Sex and the Mudhuts

How Not To Run A Club by Peter Hook - Review

2010-11-16T06:16:00.001-08:00

I’ve always been a bit partial to Joy Division/New Order, but the tales behind their record company, Factory Records, are truly legendary. A big part of the Factory legacy is their club, The Hacienda, which despite being the focal point of the Acid House movement in the UK, haemorrhaged money due to over spending and quite frankly, sheer stupidity.

Bassist Peter Hook (Joy Division/New Order/Revenge/Monaco/Freebass etc) penned this book ‘How Not To Run A Club’, which has just been recently released in paperback and on audio. Seeing as New Order spent obscene amounts of money to bail the club out, ‘Hooky’ is more than qualified to take us through the history of the club, which is chaptered year-by-year.

Anyone who knows Hooky, knows that he can tell the tale. The opening bits about him getting ready to go clubbing whilst certain ‘local characters’ got a little rowdy, is told in a honest style of writing that I admire. Think of Peter Ustinov, but set in Salford, with drug dealers and the ‘language of the Snooker Hall’!

The book starts with Factory struggling to make the place a success, putting musical acts on but without many people turning up to watch. The book also contains extracts from the accounts (surprised they still exist, to be honest!) as well as a list of bands and nights they had at the club each year. It’s amazing to read how many well-known bands placed at the Hac, Madonna even played there one night! (Well, I say played, she mimed actually!)

Hooky can be forgiven for being bitter about the club, he did invest a hell of a lot of money into it, straining relationships and friendships at the same time. But he saw the club as something to do, somewhere to have fun at, not somewhere where he could make money (which is a good job, because he wasn’t making any!) Throughout the book, everyone at the Hac were always hopeful the club would turn a profit, in sometimes it did, but bad luck and naivety eventually put them back into the red.

As mentioned, it was Acid House that made the Hac its name, but with this blossoming scene came drugs, gangsters and more debt for the club…

Overall, it’s a very interesting read for anyone with any passing interest in music or nightclubs. It’s a good, honest read that pulls no punches about telling us the influence of drug dealers, gangs and lack of help from the police. Most of all however, it’s Hooky’s admission that they were ‘Fucking stupid’ whilst running the club, which was their biggest downfall. It's also packed with lots of funny tales about the Hac, Dry Bar, tripping in Ibiza and trying to pull the singer from the B52's!

Hooky has since gone on to open his own club ‘The Factory’ in the old offices of Factory Records, on Oldham Street (behind the BBC Manchester building) and if there’s anyone who deserves some success at running a club, it’s Hooky!

You can pick the paperback up from Play.com for just a fiver. You’ll be lucky to get in a club for a fiver these days!

Urban Legends - Purple Aki

2010-11-15T08:02:00.001-08:00

Today when I watch films liked ‘Urban Legend’, I just laugh my bollocks off at it. We have our very own real-life ‘Urban Legend’ here in North-West England, and the terror which he spread amongst schoolyards wasn’t as false as we thought…

I clearly remember having a kick-around with my mates in a local park and the ball getting kicked over to an area, hidden by trees. ‘You better watch out Purple Aki is in there and he’ll bum yer!’ ‘Purple Aki’ was a playground tale, about a tall, stocky, gay black man who would chase you and rape you, if he clasped eyes on you. Now in Wigan at the time, black men were a rarity, so you can imagine the terror of any young lad when he saw one such gentleman!

The stories we heard were terrifying, one involving him chasing a young lad through a railway station and the lad getting killed. Stories from lads about ‘Getting chased off him’ were quite popular, as were accounts of him ‘hanging around outside the school’ and that he liked to 'engrave his name on your arse'. Of course, we dismissed these stories as bollocks and got on with our school lives, but that little bit of terror remained whenever we walked home during the dark, or kicked a ball in a bush.

We all eventually grew up and forgot about Purple Aki and the stories about him, but you could imagine my shock when I opened up the local paper one day to see that Purple Aki was indeed real!

Akinwale Arobieke is a 6ft 5, 20-stone man from Toxteth in Liverpool. He had been in court during the 80’s for chasing a lad, who got electrocuted on the railway line. He was originally convicted of manslaughter but successfully appealed, as he was ‘just looking in the trains and the lad had ran away from him’. The stories from my youth where coming back to me, I could feel horror I felt then - Purple Aki was indeed a real man!

The article went on to list a number of incidents he was involved in all over the North West. More recently, Purple Aki found himself in court again, for a number of offences including ‘touching muscles without consent’. Not quite the rape we were led to believe as kids, but still terrifying!

Purple Aki was jailed for these offences, but once out, he was given a 'Sexual Offences Prevention Order' and banned from the towns of St. Helens, Widnes and Warrington. However this didn’t deter him, as he was convicted of touching muscles again, this time in North Wales and is currently serving a two-year jail sentence for breaching his court order.

I know for his ‘victims’ it isn’t funny, but I couldn’t help laughing when all those scare-stories came flooding back! We had dismissed him as a bogeyman a long time ago and to see him, peeping at me from the newspaper, was just a great moment as I connected with my childhood again. I suppose I’m thankful that those tales of rape weren’t true, but the oddness of the man is still a bit scary!

A simple Google search later and it hit me how popular Purple Aki is. Many people (of varying ages) had heard the same tales and were as shocked as I was to learn that he was real. There’s even a website, YouTube cartoons and Facebook groups of him. Not to mention a Purple Aki flag that was flown at Glastonbury in 2008! With the internet, I’m wondering if Urban Legends can exist anymore? For years, we didn’t know if Purple Aki was real, or just a made-up Chinese Whisper. It seems these days that nobody can be anonymous anymore.

In the case of Akinwale Arobieke, I suppose that is a good thing!

Fish Custard Issue 2 - OUT NOW

2010-10-06T17:49:00.000-07:00

Issue 2 of Fish Fingers and Custard is available to buy now!

In this Issue:

"Series 5 Reviews"

"Proms Report"

"Fives"

"Where Should Classic Doctor Who Have Ended?"

"Memories of PBS Plegde Drives"

"The Latest Tabloid Newspaper Rumours"

And Much More!

The prices (including P+P) are as follows:

UK: £2.00

Overseas: £3.00

You can order a copy by Paypal, just send all monies to fishcustardfanzine@googlemail.com along with your name and address. (Please can you send the payment as a gift, so that the fanzine is able to receive 100% , rather than Paypal taking their cut and leaving us out of pocket! You can leave your details in the personal message section)

For more information (and a free download!) visit http://www.fishcustardfanzine.co.uk/

Jocks Away...To Wigan

2010-09-14T03:14:00.000-07:00

Just typical of Greater Manchester police this isn’t it? This pointless ‘metropolitan’ county’s law enforcers have done my town no favours once again, by allowing Rangers supporters to stop in Wigan before being herded into Manchester for their Champions League game tonight. Apparently, after the naughty incidents during the UFEA Cup final in 2008, where Rangers fans went around smashing things up in Piccadilly Gardens after a big screen went off, it ‘won’t be advisable to allow them into Manchester’. So it’s okay for them to stop in Wigan then?

Now I like the Jocks. They’re on the whole, very nice people. A Rangers supporters club stopped in Wigan in 2003 for a rest stop and as I was passing, one of them engaged me in a chat and handed me a can of lager! The Jocks are always up for a laugh and seem to love travelling away. I believe that the incident in 2008 was a one-off and wouldn’t have happened if Manchester City Council would have put 10 bob in the meter! No seriously, it was just a mindless few that spoiled it for the rest, as per usual with most things in life. The Rangers fans are being punished, simply for going to watch a football match.

The police are apparently worried about ‘revenge attacks’ from the United fans, after the Rangers lot stopped them from having an open-top bus parade for their Champions League final win, a week after the UFEA Cup final. Er..Wigan in 20 miles and a short train/bus ride from Manchester, officer…

I’m just intrigued as to why the police would think it would be okay for them to drink in Wigan but not in Manchester? As soon as they get off the train, pubs will be wide open and trying to grab their custom. Is the public safety of Wiganers, not as high a priory as the safety of city-dwellers, who love to have a spritzer after a hard day making phone calls and writing cheques? If Rangers fans are such drunken yobs, who love causing trouble, shouldn’t we be cowering in our homes? What’s stopping Mancs (who are quite handy, despite being supported by millions of clueless, non-Manc gobshites) getting the train to Wigan and looking for these fabled ‘revenge attacks’?

Fuck Manchester, you’ll enjoy yourselves more in Wigan, Rangers fans. Harry’s Bar is a Scottish theme pub after all…

I just can’t wait to see tomorrow’s Wigan Evening (Rugby) Post front page: RANGERS FOOTBALL HOOLIGANS CAUSE TROUBLE IN WIGAN, after a glass is dropped.

You've Been Tangoed!

2010-09-08T13:53:00.000-07:00

Because I'm being extremely lazy (actually I've been working on Issue 2 of Fish Fingers and Custard and 'entertaining' a lady!) here is something from my very own classic (?) archive. Normal service will resume asap!

It's a joke that I love to slip in as often as I can. But the thing is – it isn’t a joke! Walk around your local town and they are all at, even the lads! Fake tanning – is it really needed?

Women are the biggest offenders, why they feel the need to have an orange face is beyond me. They think they look nice but they look like the ‘Tango Man’ has been on one of his sexually-dubious rampages. Mixed in with a bit of tracksuit and cheap jewellery – it doesn’t look good love!

I can just about understand why women would attempt it, once, but why the lads? Everyone’s talking about ‘metro-sexuality’. What the f**k does that mean? How does looking like a woman make you even more of a man?

It doesn’t just stop at that horrible orange stuff they slap on – sunbeds also do a roaring trade, giving skin cancer to all. I don’t get it, are people that vain enough to make themselves look stupid? It doesn’t look good when the stuff leaves brown marks on your body and those white patches, which you missed, are shining and twinkling at you, like no star ever could.

I don’t think I’m that particular good looking (I prefer ‘dashing’) but what defines ‘good looking’? I’m not sure anymore! Everybody has different tastes. If you want to make yourself orange, look like a clown and commit petty crime - fair enough. And if you want to go out with that – fair enough. Just don’t get in my face, telling me how good it is because I think you look f***ing daft!

I like girls to look nice and to take care of themselves but fake tan doesn’t look good. The clue is in the name – its fake, your fake. Don’t do it girls, go to Benidorm or something, it’ll be cheaper in the long run!

Some Zaragoza Thoughts

2010-08-06T22:27:00.000-07:00

Okay, so it didn’t exactly go to plan but there are a few positives to take away from Wednesday’s 3-1 defeat to Real Zaragoza. Erm, well Ronnie Stam and Antolin Alcaraz played well anyway!

Watching the match was like something from last season - we dominated possession for the majority of the match but didn’t look like scoring. It really is frustrating when you see the players try and walk the ball in, instead of having a shot from more than 18 yards out.

Defensively, we were okay first half. The second saw us make changes and the trialist on the left-side was led a merry dance. I really do hope once Caldwell returns from injury, we’ll be more organised. I did like Alcaraz, his tackling and positioning is top notch, but he does go wandering forwards too much for my liking. I do like a defender to try and move his team forwards, but with the amount of pace in the Premier League, I think it could be a problem. And I can’t see Caldwell catching the likes of Drogba in a foot race!

I am a little bit worried about the team, as I always am. Like any Wiganer, I love moaning. However, I moan for the good of the club and not for the sake of it. Which is not what can be said of some of the arses who booed Jordi Gomez BEFORE he came on. Now I understand why Martinez plays him – he can slow the play down and pick out the right pass. I understand why the fans don’t like him – he slows the play down, when we knock it around quickly and look like opening up a defence. For me, he’s a decent player when played through the middle. He is NOT a winger. In some games, slowing the play down and holding onto the ball is just what we need. We haven’t been doing that for a while now though and that’s why we’ve been struggling.

I still have faith in Bob, but something has to change. Be it either personnel or tacitly. I’ll always be a 4-4-2 man, he’ll always be a 4-2-3-1 man (or is it 4-1-2-3?). It doesn’t matter either way, he’s the professional football manager and he hasn’t got this far without knowing how to play football and coach players. Give the man some time and he’ll get it reet. Hopefully!

Just don’t boo anyone before they get on the field. Support YOUR team. Which includes Jordi Gomez, useless or not.

Oh and the 3rd Zaragoza goal was worthy of Nayim himself. Nice pass Jordi!

DOH!

A Man Called Nayim - Latics vs Real Zaragoza Preview

2010-08-04T04:36:00.000-07:00

It was 1995 when I first became obsessed with football. I was watching Latics, I was playing football every Saturday too, but one moment sticks out for me - the 1995 Cup Winners Cup final, Arsenal 1 Real Zaragoza 2.

It was Nayim's 40-yard lob over David Seaman that went down in history and it's just one of them moments that sticks in your head, it was an amazing goal, in the last minute of extra-time of a major European final too! (Ironically, Nayim had previously played for Arsenal's bitter rivals, Tottenham, so I bet they were happy!) Many evenings (well 3) were spent pretending to be this Spanish midfielder. Sadly, 10 yards is about my limit!

Now my beloved Wigan Athletic host the 1995 European Cup Winners Cup Winners (bit of a mouthful that!), with manager Roberto Martinez coming up against his former team. It's sure to be a great game, we get to see some of our new players and a decent foreign side. Nowadays, Zaragoza are the La Liga equivalent to Blackburn (but without the Big Fat Sam 'style' of play!) but it'll still be a great experience seeing a foreign team playing in Wigan. Their coach is called José Aurelio Gay - how can you not like anyone with a name like that?

And Nayim now happens to be on Zaragoza's coaching staff!

'The Goal'

An Open Letter To Joesph McElderry

2010-08-03T05:24:00.000-07:00

Joe,

Now lad, didn't we tell you this 7 months ago? No I'm NOT talking about the fact you like it up the arse, I mean that your employers are utter bastards, who are drawn to the lure of money, like George Michael is drawn to the lure of your good self. You say that you're 'proud to be gay', quite frankly that statement is an insult to the gay community, as you've been hiding it for so long and only 'came out' because nobody is interested in you anymore.

Of course, once your name started to disappear from the tabloid newspapers and people were asking, Joe who? You needed to do something. Stevie Wonder could have seen this coming lad, your a puppet and you can't even see it. You've had 7 months to think this through Joe. That's why I don't respect you. You and your ilk are destroying the music industry by allowing yourself to be controlled by people, who couldn't spot a decent artist if they twatted them in the face with a musical instrument. Not that I expect you to know what a musical instrument is.

The most tragic thing in all of this, is that millions of people will still be buying the product. Do you not feel you're a part of something that is making the world turn into mindless zombies? Do you not think that the likes of Simon Cowell is just a vampire, thirsty for money and will bleed you dry once you've finished being useful? You're usefulness ended at Christmas, m'boy.

Let's see where you are next year lad. Cowell would have moved on to his next cash cow and Louis will be lusting after some other young lad. Your 'fanbase' will be fawning over the latest X Factor product, I mean winner, and you'll be performing in Working Men's Clubs in the North East.

And getting glasses thrown at you, hopefully.

Fanzines, Football and Targets!

2010-07-19T07:02:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while! But I’m now able to jump back on here and talk more shite that nobody ever reads! In the time I’ve been away, I’ve been busy writing and producing my own fanzine, Fish Fingers and Custard, based on the television program Doctor Who.

Available as a free download and in print, at a small production cost, the fanzine offers an alternative view on the show. Think of it as a football fanzine, but about Doctor Who and you’ve got the idea! Being as influenced as I am by football fanzines, it’s no surprise that the fanzine stands out amongst the other Doctor Who fanzines out there!

Issue 1 seems to have gone down quite well, so if you’re a tight get, you can download it for FREE here, or if you like your hard copies, buy it for £2 here. It does look better in print...and I’m not saying that to make you part with money!

In other news (I’ll gloss over the World Cup!!!) the football season is fast approaching and I’m more excited than Katie Price, when her greedy eyes see an ITV cheque! I really do think Latics will do well this season, we’ve already made a couple of decent signings and hopefully the players can finally settle down now and Martinez can show his doubters why his style of play works. Keep the faith, at least we’re not those poor bastards down at Preston. Maurice Lindsay has finally pissed off from his place on the Latics board (a place he should NEVER have been given) to join the rest of the Wigan Warriors fanbase at Deepdale. Oh and John Benson has gone to Sunderland and Brenda Spencer has retired. Hopefully this is a sign the club will finally move forward. All we need now is the Wigan Evening Post to employ decent hacks and drop its propaganda!

On a personal level, I’ve had a quite nice change in my personal life. I’m not saying anything more, just that I can now tick off one of my New Years targets!

With that, like Auntie Maurice, I’ll piss off for a while!

England - Hard Work and Fanimals

2010-06-25T07:59:00.000-07:00

More World Cup bollocks for you now, but for once I’m going to be positive. England have gone through to the Second Round of the World Cup and will be playing ‘them Germans’. After the Algeria game, nobody was certain if England would have made it. The only thing that I thought we needed was for the players to TRY, that’s all. How many times have I said that about Latics this season? It can be so easy to criticise people for not winning games, despite being on £100,000 a week. But what I DO expect is for them to try and show some balls. Against Algeria, they didn’t. Against Slovenia they did – and look what happened.

Will we beat Germany? I think we will. They are a very good side but I think they’ve blown hot and cold in the tournament so far. They beat a 10-man Australia 4-0, lost against Serbia and beat Ghana 1-0. We certainly have the most experienced team, it’s just a question of ‘will we turn up on the day’? Against Slovenia, we looked a little nervous and really should have won by more, if we did – we would have topped the group and wouldn’t have been playing Germany! I do hope Fabio and his team can sort this problem out, if they do I can’t see any reason why we can’t beat them.

Whatever happens, as long as I see those players trying and working hard, I couldn’t really care what the score is. Actually, that’s a lie! Of course I care and want us to win, but I’m sure you know what I mean by now! I’ve gone on record saying that I really dislike the current set-up, players and everything involved with the England national side, but they are MY TEAM representing MY COUNTRY, so I’m stuck with them and I will always get behind them

COME ON ENGLAND!
(Oh and my newly-won Peperami Fanimal is currently ranting away on my desk!)

An Open Letter To Wayne Rooney

2010-06-19T08:08:00.000-07:00

I can't really sum up last night's shambles, as well as the following text written as part of a Times newpaper blog, so i'm not even going to try! It sums up exactly the problem with our current crop of footballers

Dear Wayne,

You're not very happy with us, are you? You walked off the pitch last night to deliver a scathing verdict on 30,000 England fans who had travelled 6,000 miles to watch their country in the World Cup.

"Nice to see your own fans boo you. That's what loyal support is."

We read that comment last night as we trudged back to our Cape Town apartment. If it's OK with you, I'd like to share some thoughts on those supporters who you clearly feel treated you and your team-mates so harshly and unfairly.

What you heard at the final whistle was a collective howl of frustration, anguish and despair. It was the sound of fans guilty only of caring too much, investing too much faith and hope - and expectation - in an England team on whom they spend thousands of hard-earned pounds to follow across the globe.

And you think we're crap? You think we're unworthy of you? You think our performance in the stands was worse than yours on the pitch?

For 90 minutes, as England fans always do, we backed our team. We watched our England lions put on a performance - in that magical stadium in this wonderful city - so abject that it was almost beyond belief. South Africans watched, bewildered. Three fans in Brazilian shirts sitting near us fell asleep midway through the second half.

And still we stood and we sang - when we could be heard over the wounded elephant blaring of those wretched vuvuzelas - as we prayed for you to remember that you are one of the best footballers in the world and that any one of the club sides that pay you and your team-mates' extraordinary wages would have beaten that brave Algeria team without breaking sweat.

On a personal note, I opened a monthly savings account on the day we got back from Germany in 2006, into which I have paid £100 a month to be able to begin to afford this holiday. I'm with three lads in their mid-20s who have borrowed money they cannot afford to come with me. Thousands of similar stories would be told by those clad in red and white last night. We're here because we love football and we love our country.

But for me there's a sort of unwritten contract in place here. We invest everything in you. In return, we have the right to expect something in return. It's not the trophy, it's not victory in every match, it's not even victory in any match.

What we deserve, I think, is to walk away from every match knowing that we have watched eleven players who have performed with pride and given everything for the cause, no matter what the outcome. Can you look yourself in the mirror this morning and say you kept your side of that bargain?

You see, I know it sounds crazy and in my heart I know it's not true, but it looked to us as though you had almost given up towards the end of last night's match. You, who have that fire in your belly, that burning passion for the game you fell in love with as a kid? You're a football genius and you could barely control the ball. And your head was down.

I'm sure you're probably already regretting your scathing attack on the England fans. I'm sure - despite appearances to the contrary - that every one of you was desperate to give us something to cheer about last night.

And there is of course one last chance, against Slovenia, to salvage this wreck of a World Cup campaign. England have been here before and pulled off the Great Escape. Win that match and much will be forgiven and forgotten.

But for that to happen, it feels like we'll need to ship in a small army of sports psychologists to get inside your heads and work some magic to lift the burden of wearing an England shirt. I'd pay them all your salary if they could get you playing with the freedom you did as a kid, kicking a ball with your mates, two jumpers for goalposts on a back street in Liverpool. They'll probably tell you that we're part of the problem, that the weight of our expectation acts like a crushing, leaden weight on your shoulders. Get a siege mentality if you want, hate all of us if it makes you play like a team.

We're going to escape from football for a few days, staying in a tree house on a citrus farm on the edge of Addo Elephant National Park, 50 miles north of Port Elizabeth. But we'll be there to watch you on Wednesday afternoon - praying for a miracle.

Just remember this, Wayne. Those boos last night: they were the sound of a mangy old Labrador dog that has spent years lying loyally at its master's feet, gazing up at him with moony eyes, utterly devoted despite its owner's indifference, ready to forgive any slight if, just once in a while, a ball is picked up and thrown for it to chase.

But it's been ignored and left unfed once too often. So last night, it turned and snapped at its master. At you. Treat it better. Pick up that ball next time. Better still, kick it into the f***ing Slovenian net.

Andrew Norfolk

Original post

I've Been...Meeting Strange Men In Car Parks

2010-06-18T06:02:00.000-07:00

Hello again! Been a bit busy to update this blog in the last few weeks, but HOPEFULLY I’ll be able to post more regularly from next week, as I reveal my ‘Top Secret Project’ that I’ve been working on!

In the meantime, I’ve been enjoying the World Cup so far, apart from the ignorant wankers who are moaning about the vuvuzelas! As I write this, England are playing Algeria in a few hours time, so the fridge is stocked full of beer! Don’t worry, you’ll get the usual moaning about ‘our fans’ in due course (and boy don’t I have plenty of material!)

If you’re bored and want to read something quality, but with the same moaning I do, check out the new MUDHUTTER website. ‘The Mudhutter’ is a Wigan Athletic fanzine that I read on a regular basis and apart from football, talks about culture inside and outside Wigan. They’ve just published a free downloadable 'Summer Special' in time for the World Cup and have got a new website up and running. Check it out, I urge you!

So whilst I skulk about, trying to cut deals with mysterious men in car parks, enjoy the World Cup and let’s hope England start playing!

COME ON ENGLAND!

The Season That Wasn't - Latics 2009/10

2010-06-05T10:25:00.000-07:00

So now I’ve had time to digest the past season, I’m going to summarise it the best I can. I’m not one for writing pages upon pages about ‘how Roberto is doing wrong’, simply because: A) I can’t be arsed and B) Its a load of bollocks anyway.

I honestly believe that Bob will get it right next season - let him clear away the deadwood and actually BUILD a team, before you come out with lazy (and untrue) comments. People forget that Paul Jewell’s first season in charge wasn’t a bed of roses either.

There’s no hiding place in the Premier League (or ‘The Greed League’ as its now affectionately known) so when your ‘star players’ can’t be arsed, getting hammered on a regular basis is to be expected. How is that the manager’s fault?

I was talking to a ‘Latics fan’ in the pub, during the 8-0 defeat against Chelsea. He stank of ‘supporter since 2005’, nothing wrong with that mind, its just that his lack of knowledge told me he had spent his formative years not giving a toss about Latics, before they got into the Premier League. Anyone who was there pre-2005 should understand what Bob is all about and how a club can’t be transformed in a matter of months. Then again, anyone there pre-2005, probably couldn’t give a toss because some of them remember when Latics were in danger of going out of existence all together!

So I urge you to get behind the manager next season – he WILL deliver, you just watch!

In the meantime here are my 'end of season awards' (sponsored by Cain’s Mild)

Highlight of the season: Beating Arsenal at home

Low point of the season: Being outplayed by League 2 Notts County, and the players not giving a shit. Much worse than a 9-1 or an 8-0.

Player of the season: Charles N’Zogbia

Best Goal: N’Zogbia vs. Arsenal (MUCH better than Figgy’s against Stoke!)

Quote of the Season: “Come on Wigan!” (Robbie Savage during Radio 5 Live’s commentary vs. Arsenal at home)

Best Away: Notts. County

Best Away Fans: Hull

Worst Fans: Liverpool

Best Kit: Our home kit

Worst Kit: Our away kit

Biggest Wanker (on the pitch): Steven Gerrard, Frank Lampard and almost every referee for their BIG CLUB favouritisms

Biggest Wanker (off the pitch): Steven Gerrard

Favourite (other) Footballing Moment: Liverpool getting knocked out of Europe – twice!

Favourite (other) player: James Milner

Will England Win The World Cup?: Easy answer – NO!

That should cover it, shouldn’t it? Now on to the World Cup!

Oh dear

Stuck In the 1980's - A Eurovision 2010 Review

2010-05-30T06:40:00.000-07:00

Eurovision eh? It isn’t my cup of tea you understand BUT I do enjoy watching the voting, which is more bent than a Lib Dem MP. The competition isn’t a music contest, if it were – we’d put in proper chart acts, instead of the ‘talent’ show rejects we have in recent years. It is funny though, seeing the rest of Europe trying their best – with the German’s holding a mass party, with big screens in Berlin, whereas we have a shot of someone’s front room, during the show. Sums it up really.

The ‘contest’ itself, wasn’t really a contest. The winner was some German bird, called Lena, who seemed to be a Lily Allen tribute act, which is quite ironic seeing as I see no reason why ANYONE would want to do a Lily Allen tribute act. But the song was utter shite – and won. That’s Eurovision folks!

Don’t get me wrong – our song (sung by Josh Dubovie - an X Factor AND BGT reject) was also shite but really didn’t deserve to come last. Personally, I think its easy to write a song for this competition, but when we’ve got Pete ‘stuck in the 1980’s’ Waterman in charge, you’re basically fucked. And yes – the song is VERY 1980’s! It should work, what with Europe’s musical tastes still being stuck in the 80’s and all, but it didn’t. Of course this has nothing at all to do with politics - I’m not even going to go into the ridiculous voting methods that go on, what with all these Eastern European countries voting for each other!

My favourite song of the competition, was without doubt Armenia’s ‘Apricot Stone’, sung by the very lovely Eva Rivas. Anyone who can write a song about an apricot stone AND get a fit bird to sing it, must be a genius! It didn’t do too badly either, as it came 7th. All this and they had an 82 year-old playing the ‘duduk’, which is an Armenian woodwind instrument. Djivan Gasparyan (yes I did copy and paste that) is big in Armenia and I thought it was a nice touch to have him perform as part of his country’s entry.

Apparently an apricot is the national emblem of Armenia, which is known as the ‘motherland of the Apricot’. We sing a song which wasn’t even good enough to be a Jason Donovan b-side in 1988. You’re not telling me that Pete Waterman and Mike Stock wrote that song recently, are you?

So, how would I salvage British pride? Well it’s quite simple – either put in a big name, with a song written by someone decent or put in the worst, joke act imaginable and just take the piss. I do prefer the second one to be honest! Can you just imagine the Happy Mondays on Eurovision - Shaun Ryder, pissed, belting out a song, whilst Bez is titting about on stage, trying to sell drugs to the dancing girls from Azerbaijan?

Now who’s stuck in the 1980’s?

The real 'winner' of Eurovision 2010 - Eva Rivas

Telly, Telly, Football/Telly

2010-05-21T09:08:00.000-07:00

The land of telly will lose one of the most extraordinary series’ of the 21st Century tonight, as ‘Ashes To Ashes’ finally comes to an end. Now I’m not going into the ‘what’s it about and why you should watch it’, I mean if you haven’t heard of ‘Gene Hunt’ already, then you don’t deserve to own a telly, its as simple as that.

To say that the drama (and its predecessor – Life on Mars) have raised the bar for British television in recent years, is putting it mildly. The show has everything you could want and more. What’s makes it more remarkable is that it’s set in the tasteless decade that was the 80’s (still the music isn’t bad!)

I’ll be watching the final episode tonight, without a clue how the whole thing is going to end, as we’ve been promised EVERYTHING will make sense. Let’s hope it does and rounds off a superb 5 years!

Speaking of telly shows that don’t make sense - Lost will come to an end on Sunday, with the UK getting the SAME broadcast as the US. That means I’ll be able to watch it at the same time (without downloading it…) but it’ll be at 5am!!! Should be fun trying to see me get up for this!

The series itself has been hard to stick with. It has had some great moments but at the same time - has had its utterly terrible moments! At times it’s made about as much sense as some of Latics results this season! I just hope the writers can repay those who have stuck with it for 6 years, with a satisfying conclusion!

Still on telly, but moving on to football - I’ll be making my annual pilgrimage to the pub to watch the Championship play-off final, tomorrow. Blackpool vs. Cardiff for a place in next seasons Premier League! It’s the first time I’ve really wanted one team to win, as I hope Blackpool will be able to join the other North West clubs already in the Greed League. Of course, it’s very unlikely that I’ll be able to get a ticket for Blackpool vs. Latics, as no doubt most of the tickets will be snapped up by those who have never been to an away game and just want to have a weekend in Blackpool! Oh well, here’s to the Tangerines anyway! (Probably the only time you’ll hear me say that, as I’ll probably get sick of the fawning they receive in the local news if they win!)

So with that, let’s hope it’ll be a cracking weekend of telly!

(Don’t forget Doctor Who is on Saturday at 6.15pm too!)

The Lancashire Hotpots LIVE at The Soundhouse, Bolton REVIEWED!

2010-05-10T08:32:00.000-07:00

“Hold your glasses in the air” shouted Hotpots lead singer, Bernard Thresher. If it hadn’t been for the inept set-up at Bolton’s Soundhouse, maybe I would have had a glass to hold!

An otherwise decent gig was spoiled for me by the quality of the bar service in there. The bar staff clearly didn’t have a clue how to work a bar, as what should have taken less than 5 minutes, turned into a 20 minute wait for a drink that never came. Rather than serve customers, it seems the staff in there are paid to stand around having chats, or un-sticking (two) glasses. I’m not even going to mention the laughable attempts at a ‘serving system’, where it seemed that all members of staff served in the same spot!

Yes I’m having a moan but I can’t see why other pubs and clubs can get it right and this, a supposed decent live music venue, can’t. It’s easy to have a go, but it’s what separates top venues from shit venues. I’m not even going into the lack of lighting and the utter pricks they had in there. Once again, I thank the stars that I’m not from Bolton. An unpleasant place, containing unpleasant people.

So - to the gig! My scowls at not getting served soothed as we took in the support act ‘The Re-Entrants’ consisting of two gentleman in their 40’s playing cheesy covers on a ukulele! It sounds like it shouldn’t work – but it does! They were hilarious, top marks for the ‘Baby One More Time’ cover, which brought the house down!

Not long after, the Hotpots came on, without drummer Willie. Instead he was replaced by a chap called ‘Kenny Body’ who had apparently learned most of their songs in just 25 hours. From the first chord of ‘Bitter, Lager, Cider, Ale, Stout’ we were bouncing and that bouncing didn’t stop for the gig’s entirety! Now ‘classic’ Hotpots hits, such as ‘Chippy Tea’ (twice) ‘He’s Turned Emo’, ‘Shopmobility Scooter’, ‘Keys, Wallet, Phone’ and ‘Me PSP’ were banged out very well, with Bernard being on top form and Kenny not missing a single beat. The ugly Bolton crowd seemed to lap it up and to their credit, sang along and produced a good atmosphere.

Other top moments saw the crowd sing ‘Kenny’ on a loop and the rest of the band baiting him as the gig went on! The Conga during ‘A Lancashire DJ’, with Hotpot Dickie running around in a works’ fluorescent vest (and top marks go to him for touching my shoulder too by the way!) Every time the band interacted with the crowd is always comedy gold. A piss-take of Bolton went down well with yours truly, but a rendition of ‘Lancashire, la-la-la’, with EVERYONE singing, is probably my favourite moment!

I was a bit disappointed that they didn’t play any tracks from their upcoming EP ‘Criminal Record’, which they were supposed to be promoting, but it was understandable given that they had a new drummer for the occasion. Overall, it was a fun gig and I would definitely recommend you see them live – it’s worth a tenner of anyone’s money! (Just don’t go and see them in The Soundhouse!)

You can pre-order the 8-track EP, Identity Fraud for just a fiver here! Don’t forget to have a gander at the Hotpots MySpace page too!

The Eyes of the (Football) World - on Little Wigan

2010-05-08T07:18:00.000-07:00

It’s a bloody good job we’ve already booked our place in the Greed League for next season. As I write this, Latics are preparing to take on Chelsea, a win for the Londoners would clinch them the Premier League title!

It seems the football world’s eyeballs will be on this game – if Latics manage to get something at Stamford Bridge and Man United beat Sjoke – it’ll be United who wins the title. All week has seen United fans begging us to beat Chelsea, as if I can do something about it! I cannot begin to tell you how much I utterly detest Manchester United. There are not a football club – they are an arrogant trademark.

So with all this in mind, I’m more than willing to allow a Latics draw – if only Stoke hold United! I would hate for United to win the title, so those ‘Wigan Red’ fuckwits can laud it over us again. I’ll never forget when they (cheated) to beat us to lift the title at the JJB two years ago and I saw some wanker in a United shirt in Chicago Rock (all of which you can read in my book - download link on the right!). I was sick and it wasn’t the shit ale! Now it’s in our hands – Chelsea or United? I know who I’ll choose.

Whatever happens – I hope we don’t disgrace ourselves. As mentioned – anybody with a passing intrest in football will be watching ‘Little’ Wigan tomorrow and I hope we do ourselves proud. We’ve had a lot of them in the past but this time around - I would take a heartbreaking, injury-time goal for Chelsea over United winning the title. I feel that strongly about it!

Obviously, if we had to win to stay up then my view on this would be totally different!

Out of Mind, Out of Sight!

2010-05-02T12:14:00.000-07:00

I’ve been in stuck in an awful place the past week. No not Leigh. I mean, stuck in the depths of my own mind! I’ve got a few things on the go, which is why I haven’t been posting much here recently. It’s nothing to do with me not being arsed!

Last week ‘This is England’ spectacularly failed to get into the top 100. At one point it was in the top 80 of the Play.com download chart though! Not saying I could have done better if I was in charge of it, but I feel more could have been done to promote the song for St. Georges Day. The same week saw Rangers (Tina Turner’s ‘The Best) and Celtic Fans (Gerry and the Pacemakers ‘You’ll Never Walk Alone’) do battle in the charts, with Tina hitting the top 10, whilst Gerry and his mates were left in the 30’s!

In other news, I’m off to BOLTON on Friday to watch legendary folk/comedy band The Lancashire Hotpots. I first heard the lads play at The Tavern about 3 years ago and they have gone strength to strength since, selling out venues across the North and even down south! Now I’m not bemoaning the fact that BOLTON has got a number of decent performance halls to sustain big acts and develop talent, whereas we have fuck all. No, I’m not moaning at all!

I shall be watching the last Latics home match of the season against Hull tomorrow. Let’s hope we can end this season on a high, as we’re likely to be beaten by title-chasing Chelsea next week. I hope we don’t lose obviously, but I can’t stomach the thought of those ‘Wigan Red’ bastards wearing their Man Yoo tops around Wigan and lauding it over us, their fellow Wiganers, if Man Utd pip Chelsea.

So look out for a few reports, a possible arrest report (as I will end up murdering a ‘Wigan Red’ if I’m drunk) and some special news, which I hope to reveal soon!

A Ragefest Review

2010-04-26T06:09:00.000-07:00

I’ve been back for a week, but in all honesty it takes me a while to recover these days! Yes, a weekend of drinking camping and acting daft. That is basically what Ragefest was!

Held in a field ‘somewhere in South Wales’, near the Ancient Briton pub, the event saw around 60 ‘internet friends’ meet, have a laugh, drink and watch some quality unsigned musical talent. Not just that, but the event was also raising money for charity.

To say it was warm was a bloody understatement! I’m still marked by sunburn more than a week after - I’m seriously regretting not taking any sun cream! The bands over the weekend were all quality, all offering their services for free. The stand-out performers for me though, was acoustic act Donal Scullion (who performed an excellent version of ‘Killing in the Name’) and local band ‘The Gubbins’, who were on last and didn’t disappoint. They’ll be pretty big if they manage to go gigging nationwide!

The other side of the festival was meeting folk who you have spoke to on the interweb, during (and after) the ‘Rage Against The Machine For Christmas No1’ campaign. Despite the song getting to No1, I think the way it has brought people together likes this is the real victory of the whole thing. Everyone was sound and up for a laugh. I even got a rag-tag football team together and we played two teenage bands. The less said about the result the better, but at least I scored twice – a penalty and a header! The dog on our team was rubbish though!

The pub itself was superb. Had a lot of banter with the locals, although failed attempts at ‘chatting up’ the ladies, had to be done! I also briefly ‘met’ actor Chris Walker (who?) who’s daughter was one of the acts

Even though I drank all the way through from 8am to 2am - I felt fine and had a great time! Nicking a poster outside the local shop, the look on the occupants of the local shops’ faces when about 7 of us walked in, all buying ale, streakers on the football pitch and sitting round a campfire, drunk - were the highlights from the weekend!

Oh and Latics beating Arsenal 3-2, wasn’t bad either!

In all, it was a cracking weekend and I really enjoyed it. The organisers did a superb job and the £650 raised (so far) makes it all worth while, I’m sure! I’m now looking forward to next year and all the future events/piss-ups that are being organised!

Look out for a special podcast soon, containing some of the acts from Ragefest!

Happy St George's Day!

2010-04-23T07:43:00.000-07:00

No one calls it racist
When the daffodil's worn in Wales
Or is offended by their dragon
With its forked tail and scales

When St Patrick’s day comes round
And the shamrock's being worn
The Irish are not treated
With insult or with scorn

If a Scotsman on St Andrew’s day
Hoists his flag aloft
He’s not proclaimed a fascist
Or ridiculed or scoffed

So when St George's Day arrives
We English men wont hide
For Elizabeth, England & St George
We’ll wear our Rose with pride

(Unknown)

A Crazy 10 Minutes...

2010-04-20T07:56:00.000-07:00

I could not believe it. I was in a pub in South Wales at the time (just outside Swansea, ironically) and I was turning my phone on and off, attempting to preserve what little battery I had left. After getting a text through that Latics were 2-0 down against Arsenal, I switched off my phone again, expecting yet another mauling. I brought myself round to turning it on again, about 10 minutes later and you can imagine what I felt when I saw it was 2-2, then seconds later – another text came through. Latics had won 3-2.

By all accounts it was a crazy ten minutes and after finally getting home and watching the game – Latics fully deserved the win and had absolutely hammered Arsenal when we went 2-0 down. This season just gets all the more bizarre – we can score 3 goals in 10 minutes against one of the best sides in Europe but yet we can’t put 1 past a Portsmouth reserve team? Logic goes out of the window with Wigan Athletic!

But what a result, what a game and what an atmosphere at the DW Stadium. In fact the latter is probably the most pleasing of the lot! Actually, that’s a lie – it’s the fact we are now 7 POINTS away from the relegation zone. Surely, even we can’t fuck this up now? A win against West Hammmmm next week and we are safe. Lets get this season done and dusted now, because we WILL do well next season - Roberto Martinez is building a great squad, which will take time to assemble. If we manage to keep hold of Hugo and N’Zogbia – you just watch us go!

The media reactions have been positive for once, with most of them commenting on how well Latics had played. My personal favourite though, is the Radio 5 live commentary with Robbie Savage cheering on Latics! You can download the last 15 minutes of that (starting from the first Latics goal) here. Makes me wish I had taken a radio now!

We mustn’t be complacent though. As mentioned, we’re at West Hammmmm on Saturday before another relegation rival, Hull, visit the DW the week after. Two defeats in those games could mean we need to get something at Chelsea on the final day! Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that!

Come on Latics!

Camp, Camp

2010-04-14T14:35:00.000-07:00

Say to me the word ‘camp’ and I’m more likely to play you a bit of Culture Club and make you watch ‘Mamma Mia’ on a constant loop, whilst stroking your leg and being dragged up. But in this aspect – I’m actually camping in a tent, rather than camping it up in a public house. Not that I do…

Yes I’m going to Sheepland, or Wales as it’s more commonly known, for some drinks, lots of drinks and laughs with some of the people I know from the ‘Rage Against The Machine For Christmas No1’ campaign. The last time I ventured to South Wales was to watch Latics in the Carling Cup final in 2006. The less said about the match the better, but we certainly had a great time on the drink! Something tells me Ragefest will be a good un’!

Now I’ve not been camping (in the tent sense) for years, not since the ‘missing pole incident’. Like a true Wiganer – I’ll be borrowing stuff for the weekend! So it should be hilarious seeing me trying to set up someone else’s tent, whilst drunk! Thankfully there’ll be a pub nearby, so that’ll be base camp for the weekend, rather than my piss poor attempt at whacking up a tent!

They’ll be plenty of bands playing, offering their services for nowt (a bit like me really!) The most decent thing about the weekend is that it’ll be raising money for the charity Shelter, albeit the Welsh version. A donation page has been set up here if you fancy a look. Total Biker FM will also be broadcasting from the event, you can listen to the station online here. They’ve also said they’ll commentate on a football game that I might set up there. Oh dear!

The only disappointments about the weekend is that I’ll be missing episodes of Ashes To Ashes and Doctor Who, as well as Latics-Arsenal. But thanks to catch-up telly all will be good and I’m hoping to catch the game in a pub somewhere, if we don’t leave to early!

So stay tuned for a report, I just hope not to make an arse of myself! As if I would…

No Scoring, No Future

2010-04-08T08:48:00.001-07:00

Hello! Been a bit busy/lazy for the last few days. I’ve got a couple of irons in the fire so to speak*, so watch this space! (* that has nothing to do with burning West Ham fans by the way!)

Anyway, I really enjoyed watching the opening episode of my favourite telly show, on Saturday – Doctor Who. It was just perfect from start to finish, Matt Smith is fantastic as The Doctor, and the writing was spot on - so I’m just really looking forward to the rest of the series now! You can read my review here and you can even watch the episode on the BBC I Player here. Go on, give it a go!

In other news, Latics have been frustrating me, like women do. Can’t understand what is going on there, in fact I hear that even Stephen Hawking is having trouble understanding the form (then again, that could be applicable to both my lack of scoring and Latics lack of scoring!) Will we stay up? I hope so, but I JUST DON’T KNOW! (and neither do the players…apparently).

There’s been no Music Club for a while (don’t cheer) but it’ll be back soon (don’t cry), but for now I’ll leave you with this, dedicated to EVERY politician, after the General Election was called for May 6th. Whatever happens - people like you and me won’t benefit! See you later!

An Easter Quickie

2010-04-02T10:18:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note for Easter….

I’m a grown man, I don’t fucking care about Easter Eggs!!!

Once people grow up and realise that Easter Eggs are for CHILDREN and know what Easter is REALLY celebrated for, the better.

Anyway, Happy Easter!

Music Podcast #4 - Just Dance (Part 2)

2010-03-27T06:08:00.000-07:00

It’s here! Part 2 of Just Dance, two podcasts playing the cream of 80’s/90’s dance ‘tunes’, as the kids say. In this one, we’ve got Underworld, Robert Miles, Culture Beat and yet more Prodigy and Happy Mondays!

Can you afford not to dance to this podcast? When yes you can, but please give it a go anyway! Download here. You can grab part 1 here too!

The Clash - This is England - No1 for St Georges Day April 23rd 2010

2010-03-25T10:50:00.000-07:00

As mentioned a few weeks ago, I’m involved in a Facebook campaign to try and get The Clash song ‘This Is England’ to number 1 on St. Georges Day (24th April). The campaign is all about making people aware of the day, which has been overlooked and ignored for so long. The lyrics of the song may contain an ironic tone towards England, what with the lack of employment, racism and the general bad feeling towards our government. That was the 1980’s – and things haven’t changed much in 30 years, have they?

We’re aiming to get a great song to No1, celebrate England’s day and send people a message at the same time!

From the group description:

Let's get some pride back into England with this fantastic song. After the success of Rage and the popular Sex Pistols song, this would be a fantastic tribute to an excellent band and also help to celebrate St Georges Day which has been overlooked for far too long.

Whilst you are sitting here discussing our amazing England, why not show some support for Acorns Children’s Hospice at http://www.justgiving.com/clash
Lets do it for the kids!!

We're being realistic, a No1 would be fantastic but even if we manage to beat the songs original chart position (24) would be brilliant! The campaign has even had press coverage from the Daily Star today! Okay, it's a start I suppose!

You can check out the group here at http://bit.ly/thisisengland, stay tuned to this blog, as I’ll be undoubtedly giving you updates on how things are going!

Cheers and let’s hope it’ll be a Happy St George’s Day!

Violence and Telly

2010-03-24T10:44:00.000-07:00

Not a lot has been happening recently, just been the usual boring shite! Although, I’ll be off to a piss-up in Dingleland (Burnley) this weekend, so that should be fun. And not just because Latics beat the Dingles on Saturday, courtesy of an injury-time, Hugo Rodallega header!

Latics just about did enough to deserve the very-important 3 points, as we put one over on the Dingles, who were up to their usual tricks. This time they didn’t invade the pitch and try to get into the East Stand - one of their number threw a coin at Latics’ keeper Chris Kirkland. People may say I’m judging all of the Dingle supporters because of one person’s actions, but the problem is that there is ALWAYS violence when we play the Dingles. Oh and of course there wasn’t any fighting outside the stadium, was there? I’m not even going to go into their rivalry with Blackburn! I just can’t understand why these people can’t behave themselves when they go to another town. They let themselves down time and time again and just provide pricks like me with ammo to throw at them (not in a literal sense, by the way!)

So with this in mind, I better keep quiet about the fact that I’m a Wiganer, on Saturday night! It might be better for everyone!

In other news, I’m getting quite excited about the return of top telly programmes ‘Ashes To Ashes’ and ‘Doctor Who’, which start on the 2nd and 3rd of April, respectively. Now I’m not sure about putting Ashes To Ashes on a Friday, it’s normally a Monday/Tuesday show, so it just seems odd that they would mess it about like this. I just hope it works in terms of ratings, because Ashes To Ashes is a great program and deserves more acclaim. The day after, Doctor Who returns with new Doctor, Matt Smith, in the hour-long opener - ‘The Eleventh Hour’. Now I’ve heard nothing but good things about the new regenerated show, so fingers crossed it’ll be as good as they make out. I’ve every confidence in Matt, as I think he’ll be terrific, I just want him to be good to piss off the Tennant-fan girls/boys who are dissing him before an episode has been shown. Doctor Who has been on since 1963, with 11 different men playing the lead role, no man is bigger than it. Just remember that!

So with this in mind, I’m off to get beaten up by Dingles, BBC scheduling staff and David Tennant fans. Oh dear!

Music Podcast #3 - Just Dance (Part 1)

2010-03-18T12:22:00.000-07:00

What would you say if I gave you these names - Faithless, New Order, The Prodigy and The Happy Mondays?

Erm, that was quite rude and uncalled for, to be honest. And no, I'm not one of them!

This is part 1 of 2 podcasts devoted to 'proper' dance music of the 80's, 90's and 00's. You can download it here. Part 2 will be here very soon!

Unwelcome Returns

2010-03-15T07:14:00.000-07:00

I wish I could say that I’ve recovered from the weekend, but I haven’t. Had a miserable week, coupled with a birthday that was utterly pointless and on Saturday, it was topped off with watching Latics losing 4-0 at Horwich Wanderers and my bad back making a comeback!

Had a boozy night on the Friday, we went to Club Nirvana in Wigan, to a DJ set performed by the bassist and keyboardist from the Kaiser Chiefs. To be honest, it was a waste of time as they played the same songs that get played most of the time and they didn’t even speak once! Not sure how much money I spent, I really don’t want to think about it!

Was up on Saturday morning, as me and a mate attempted to catch a early train to Horwich but to our horror - we found that the pub didn’t let away fans in, which pissed me off greatly. Next time, I’m determined to go for a pint or six elsewhere! The less said about the game the better, how we keep switching from world-beaters to pub team is beyond me, but you can read a review on my Football Travelling Blog here.

So with bad backs and a bad football team, it isn’t a great start to the week. I’m going to hide at home for the next two weeks now. Going to Dingleland (Burnley) at the end of the month, for another ‘big’ night out.

Just hope my back holds out!

Wigan Beer Festival 2010 - A Review (sort of)

2010-03-10T18:31:00.000-08:00

I was gutted after missing it last year, so I made a point of going early this year and not on the last day! Yes, it was Wigan Beer Festival time again and it was bloody packed!

To be honest, it actually wasn’t packed in the sense of queuing up at Asda on a Sunday afternoon, you could get served quick enough, but I’ve never seen so many people out drinking on a Thursday!

Thursday’s session was a good un’, started off with a Belgian cherry beer that I think is exactly the same as the one they serve in The Anvil. Whilst having a look around the Robin Park Sports Centre, I suspected that not many of the attendees had actually been in a sports centre before! I first had my doubts about the place, but as I stood with my cheery beer, I quickly realised that this was the ideal location. The festival has grown in popularity every year and dare I say in a few years, it may need a bigger venue? Oh wait, Wigan doesn’t have one! Thanks for nothing Wigan Council!

The rest of the Thursday was spent trying out the various bitters there. I actually don’t remember the names of any of them, but they were quite good nevertheless! Although one unforgettable pint was ‘Ginger Tosser’! It was a golden ale with gingery overtones and got my vote for the ‘Beer of the Festival’. Then again, I didn’t actually vote!

We were back on Friday, which was even more heaving but again - there really wasn’t a long wait to get served. The volunteers did a fine job again, as they were always giving out samples, recommending beers to people and always had a smile on their face, which is very important! This time I was on the foreign beers, which had been especially imported from America, Spain, Belgium, Portugal, Germany, Czech Republic, France and Leeds! All decent stuff, which quite surprised me as there’s normally one or two beers that don’t leave a lot to be desired, but all of which I had were superb.

Obviously this wouldn’t be a proper review without a criticism, but I’m SICK of the organisers putting a frigging PIE on the beer glasses and promoting the (false) notion that Wigan is famous for pies. It’s truly embarrassing! And what do pies have to do with the festival anyway? Nothing. Still, I had a laugh when the rugby score was flashed up on the screens! Fancy losing a 20-nil lead!

So all grievances aside, it was a cracking two days. I’ve no idea what happened on the Saturday, as I didn’t go but I did hear that they ran out of beer again. Oh dear. Overall though, I only experienced good things, the only regret is that I didn’t get smashed on cider again and the fact that the time seemed to pass so quickly!

But if you want to get slightly tipsy on a tenner – go to a beer festival! No WKD-drinking muppets here. Just real ale, for real folk!

A Blue Birthday

2010-03-09T04:53:00.000-08:00

It was probably the best birthday present I could have hoped for. After years of trying, anger, tears and lots of money spent - one of my wishes finally came true. No, I didn’t have relations with a lady – Latics beat Liverpool!

Anyone who knows me will know that I have no time for Liverpool. Nothing against them, the majority of scousers seem to be very nice folk but I have a slight grievance (or 15) with them that I won’t go into here. I don’t want our bins nicked!

Latics dominated the game at the Doctor Who Stadium and proved yet again, that they can play when they want to. It’s just a shame that they only seem to turn up against the bigger sides. We’re all hoping this attitude problem, that the team has obviously had this season, has finally gone so we can move away from the relegation zone and build on Roberto Martinez’s solid foundations.

To say that we ran them off the park is the biggest understatement of the year. The Latics players simply gave Champions League-chasing Liverpool no time on the ball and forced them into errors. Of course, most people see this game as a ‘Liverpool were shit’ effort, but those who actually can see, saw a totally different game.

The headlines in the papers were all about the newly-relaid pitch, which obviously hindered Liverpool because they were expecting a mud patch or maybe the new turf was too slow or even a mole popped up and bit Dirk Kuyt on the arse, which led him to pass the ball to Boyce, who crossed for Hugo to score. It doesn’t matter - either way it finished Wigan 1 Liverpool 0. And that’s all that matters.

Bet we lose against Bolton on Saturday now!

A Drunken Disease

2010-03-02T08:56:00.000-08:00

I’m not well. Some people will probably say I haven’t been well since I was born. Cheers Dad! But after an excellent night out in Manchester on Saturday, I’ve contracted some kind of disease. No, not really just thought I might gauge some un-deserved sympathy. It’s not worked.

Anyway, was a pleasure meeting everyone and I had a great time. I was in the unusual position of ‘tour guide’ for this night, as most of the people who attended didn’t come from the area. Oh dear. After a few drinks in the pub, we went to Rockworld before finishing off in ‘The Nexus Art Café’, a sort of new-age, but inexpensive café. It was a great place that I had only heard about a few days before the event and I was glad that everyone enjoyed it. One point for me then?

I’m hoping to organise another one soon. Well I say soon, probably around August time. And can you really ‘organise’ a piss-up? I’m not sure. Before then I’m hoping to go drinking around the country and meeting fellow Ragers who have I only spoken to online.

I still hate social networking though!

Its back to drinking in God’s Own Country this weekend, as its Wigan Beer Festival time! I can’t wait. I’m looking forward to getting back to drinking some proper Real Ale rather than the crap, flat bitter they had in Manchester! Still, everything can’t be good!

Hopefully I’ll be able to speak again soon and this bloody cold clears up before the Beer Festival!

Beers and Campaigns

2010-02-25T10:30:00.000-08:00

Apologies for the lack of posts recently, I haven’t been busy or anything. Well not much anyway! I’ve got a few things coming up in the next few weeks which should be worthy of a report though. First, I and a few others are going for an ‘all nighter’ in Manchester this Saturday, all because we met during the ‘Rage Against The Machine for Christmas No1’ campaign. It’s hopefully going to be a good night out and not just because I’ve organised it!

Secondly, my Facebook time has been spent doing something really useful as well – I’m now involved with promoting The Clash song ‘This Is England’ in order to get it to Number one for St George’s Day. The campaign is being led by Internet radio station, Total Biker FM and I’ll be writing a proper preview within the next few days! I think we’re being realistic here and are not expecting it to reach No1, but you never know! A place in the top 20 would be fantastic – the original release saw it reach No24 in 1985. The group already has 9,000 members, which I think is more than the RAGE campaign had with 8 weeks to go…

The song is trying to raise awareness about St Georges Day and showing our pride about our English-ness. If the campaign does gather momentum, expect the racist tag to be placed upon it by empty-headed morons! The campaign is also raising money for the children’s charity ACORNS, the donation page can be found here - http://www.justgiving.com/clash As I’ve said, look out for a proper preview in the next few days and I’ll undoubtedly be posting updates when the time comes! You can join the Facebook Group here.

Finally, I’ll be going along to the Wigan Beer Festival next week (4th-6th March) I missed last years, well actually - I went along on the last day and they had RAN OUT of beer! I really do hope the festival is better organised this year, as they lost a whole day’s trade through that incident. It’s interesting to read that it’s open all-day on the Saturday. Oh dear. Looks like I’ll be going on the Friday then!

Anyway, you can check out the website and details about the event here. This year the festival is being incorporated into Wigan’s ‘Food and Drink Festival’. I do hope it’s a better success than Wigan Leisure and Culture Trust’s handling of the Haigh Hall Music Festival, which is now no more after the Wigan Music Collective pulled out. Undoubtedly, the council had flexed their muscles for the last time and have destroyed another aspect of Wigan’s once-thriving music scene. Instead, people can pay £30 an-head to watch pop groups McFly and The Saturdays mincing around at Haigh Hall. The words ‘fucking joke’ doesn’t quite cover it. Perhaps those in charge should be replaced by the Wigan Music Collective lot? We might have a decent performance hall and festival for a start?

So on that sad note, I’ll sign off and go to upset more people on Facebook!

Cheers

I've Got A Golden Ticket...

2010-02-18T11:35:00.000-08:00

I had two different posts planned depending on the outcome on this, both written in the same way but in a different order. Thankfully I managed to succeed and therefore not do too much pissing around in trying to sound all magnanimous. Yes, after much mauling around, I got my hands on a ticket to go and watch Rage Against The Machine play their free gig in London on June 6th.

For those who don’t know, Rage claimed the much-coveted Christmas No1 spot from the clutches of Simon Cowell and his X-Factor puppets, after a Facebook campaign by music fans to download the Rage track ‘Killing in the Name’. During the campaign the band promised to play a free gig if they won the No1 spot and here we are. Not just that, but fans raised over £100,000 for the homeless charity, Shelter and the band promised to donate their cut of the download sales to music charity, Youth Music.

The campaign itself brought together so many like-minded music fans, who weren’t necessarily into Rage. Everyone was just so sick of Cowell and his cronies force-feeding people with utter manufactured shite. This was a victory for real music, but sadly I don’t think enough has been done to raise awareness about live music since. All Facebook has become now is people setting up groups upon groups of trying to get crap songs to No1. We could make a real change in the state of music if everyone stuck together.

But whatever happens in the future, the one great thing about this campaign has done is to bring all those people together. It’s incredible – almost a million people all believing in the same thing. Can you imagine what would happen if something really important cropped up? Of course, there were a good potion of bandwagon jumpers in there, but show me any situation in life were there isn’t? It’s a lot easier to go against the grain when there’s plenty of other people there. The amount of friendships struck up on there though just shows that something like this is worthwhile and not just about getting a band to No1 and pissing Cowell off in the process.

Of course, there have been people moaning about the way the ticketing was handled. To be fair, it was the only fair way they could have done it and I’m not just saying that because I managed to get one! Tickets went online at 8.55 and it was almost 12.30 when they finally went. The 40,000 free tickets were like gold dust and somehow I had managed to get one! If the website had been working for everyone – they would have gone much sooner than they did. At the end of the day – what do you want for free? The campaign was always about getting the song to No1, not the free gig. I’m thankful to have secured one but I would be saying the exact same things if I hadn’t have got one. I would have been content with getting a proper band to No1 and have made so many friends on Facebook. This gig is just a great bonus.

So I’m looking forward to having a great time in London, but before that I’m planning on meeting my fellow ‘Ragers’ face-to-face for the first times during many boozy nights coming up.

At least we won’t be short of many things to talk about!

It's All Going Down At Your Local ESSO - It's Valentine's Day!

2010-02-14T15:06:00.000-08:00

This is a little something I wrote last year. Enjoy!

It’s Valentine’s Day! Who gives a shite?

The one day of the year when you are supposed to show you love to your partner by buying them a number of ridiculously-priced gifts. Have I missed something here? Since when did buying something for someone show love? Robert Mugabe is an expert in purchasing rifles, but his people hate him, I’m not sure why? Hmmm

But I digress, as I write this at 1am, I bet there are thousands of men around the country, who are trying to find that elusive 24-hour garage in order to procure a bunch of flowers or a box of Milk Tray. It’s nobody’s birthday or anniversary but it’ll mean the end of their relationship (and having their clothes ironed) if they don’t get something. Or that’s what we’re told by television adverts anyway.

I’d understand if Valentine’s Day was a meaningful celebration – but it isn’t, at least not anymore. Like all special days this day (which originated in the Middle Ages) has been hijacked by greedy money-making and selfish people. Their origins and great history has been destroyed and forgotten. What started out as an innocent passing of ‘love notes’ has now been turned into a ‘buy what you can’ frenzy, in order to show your love. Since when did showing wealth make you attractive? Oh yeah, silly me!

Lads, buy your missus a card, maybe some chocolates and take her to the pub (not a restaurant – you can eat in pubs and we need them to keep open!). Don’t buy into all this crap, you don’t need to show you love by emptying your bank account to make your partner happy.

Just have a think about it.

Music Club #9 - Are You Going To Make My Ears Bleed? Yes I Am!

2010-02-12T08:30:00.000-08:00

Yes, I’m back to inflict more of my musical pleasures on your unfortunate ears. We have riffs galore in this one. Just close your eyes and you would think you’re in The Boulevard in Wigan. Actually, don’t close your eyes – your ale would get nicked! There is a recession on after all, except in Wigan - it’s been going on since the 1920’s! Sit back and make sure you have a first aid kit close by – your ears are going to BLEED!!!

Lenny Kravitz – Are You Gonna Go My Way?

No Lenny, I’m not that type of girl. But what a cracker of a song this is! A superb riff, coupled with Kravitz’s well-pitched vocals makes this an instant classic. All he needs to do is to die of drug abuse and he’ll be praised as a ‘god of rock’. That’s a joke by the way…

Turn up that volume and bang your head!!!

Muse – Knights of Cydonia (Live at Wembley, 2007)

Now I’m a big fan of this song but I’m not keen on the crowd singing along to the riffs. Songs like these should be danced to and to their credit, everyone goes mental! Superb instrumental work from Muse, shows why they are the biggest band in the UK at the moment!

Music Podcast #2 - How's That For An Art Attack? (A Marseille Special)

2010-02-06T11:15:00.000-08:00

I had the pleasure of watching 70’s rock band Marseille last week, who have Art Attack presenter, Neil Buchanan, on lead guitar. I enjoyed the gig immensely and it was great to see a childhood hero like Neil, in the flesh!

I’ve managed to get hold of the band’s EP and an interview they did with Keith Thompson of 7 Waves Radio, last year. The interview is very in depth and will give you a good background to the band. Of course, the interview is spilt up with Marseille’s music, which I have mixed together, along with a couple of live tracks!

I tried to make an audio recording of the gig, but sadly the sound quality isn’t listenable! Although, I have managed to salvage the band’s introduction at the gig, which has been edited into a 1 minute clip and is played at the start of this podcast!

Download here

Enjoy and don’t forget to check out the Marseille website and MySpace page

Cheers

Young, Gifted and Totally Fucking Gutless

2010-02-04T14:16:00.000-08:00

I’m just going to gloss over this. I’m sick of writing about them and the same things they do, over and over again. And you’re probably sick of reading it to. Yes – Latics. Dumped out of the cup on Tuesday neet by a Notts County team 3 leagues below us. It was yet another gutless performance from these sorry excuses for professionals.

Take nothing away from Notts – they deserved to win and were the better side over the two games. But the amount of effort put in by our £20k a week ‘stars’ really pissed me off. I was ashamed to be a supporter of these pricks, who just swan around and don’t give a toss about the club, the fans or the manager. I know it may come across as a bit strong, but I don’t care. Enough is enough.

Some of the players just don’t do anything and don’t inspire anyone. The thing is, on their day – they are really good players. But they don’t even try. And I hate that. I don’t mind a crap player, but if that player puts in the effort, I’ll take him every single time over some prima-donna who is just satisfied with sitting on the bench or running around doing nothing and picking up a fat pay check at the end of the week. We all know who these players are, I don’t need to name names. I wish I could run around a field like a headless chicken in order to earn £20k a week. Hang on a minute - I can! Give me a job Mr Whelan - i'll do it for £300 a week!

It’s all well and good talking about money, but these players are paid it because they are supposed to be at the top of their profession. The gulf between the wage of a Latics player and a Notts player will be so vast. But yet the top professionals are outplayed over TWO games. Let’s not even mention the other awful results we have had to endure this season.

For me, this result is far worse than the nine men who lost against non-league Canvey Island in the first round in 2001. I felt low that day, especially after whacking Sjoke 6-1 the Tuesday before. We were in a similar situation – paying players too much, when they weren’t good enough and/or didn’t try. The one glimmer of hope is that Paul Jewell’s first season in 2001 was awful but from that Canvey result, we improved and went up the season after and didn’t look back. Hopefully it’ll be the same here.

It’s been a frustrating season on the field, just as it seems we are finally getting things right off it. I still believe Roberto Martinez is still the man to take Latics’ forward, but he needs to make changes – and quick. This is not the Wigan Athletic that he played for, nor the Wigan Athletic that I have watched for most of my life. We have been crap yes but at least the players tried their best. Can the current crop honestly say that, after being beaten by a League Two side?

Will we survive? I’m not sure for once. The next month is crucial for Wigan Athletic. We have some real big games coming up, against teams around us and if these players want to continue to be picking up Premier League wages - they’ll need to make the effort. And you know what? I think they will. I wonder why?

Anyway, just be thankful we’re not Portsmouth – four different owners in six months, no money, can’t pay their players and their manager gets caught visiting a seedy brothel!

Football eh?

Smash The (Transfer) Window!

2010-02-01T18:17:00.000-08:00

So the ‘transfer window’ is finally over and it seems most people are in agreement that it should be scrapped. Latics actually made one of the most notable signings in the shape of England U-19 international Victor Moses, so that should tell you all you need to know. None of the ‘big clubs’ didn’t even bother, only Man City who signed Adam Johnson, another young prospect, from Middlesbrough.

In the past few years, the window has been used as an opportunity (see what I did there?) for clubs to squeeze extortionate fees out of other clubs. It was invented to make the game fair, but it’s done completely the opposite. With the financial situation in the world being as it is, clubs have cottoned on and haven’t been spending as much. This I can’t understand - how can football clubs pay players £100k a week but not spend a couple of million on transfer fees? It’s not as if most clubs pay all their transfer fees up front anyway!

Another Scooby Doo-style mystery, is how the hell can West Ham be making cash signings? They are severely in debt and were on their arse six months ago. I appreciate they have been taken over by new owners, but how is that fair on other clubs who have been hit with transfer embargos and points deductions? The situation at Portsmouth is an absolute farce and it actually makes me glad to have a chairman like Whelan. He may be a big-mouthed hypocrite and tight get to boot, but he knows how to run a tight ship (before anyone mentions it - Latics are also have a small debt, but that debt is actually owed to Whelan I believe!).

Speaking of our ‘loveable’ owner, he actually came up with a good idea for once, during yet another interview given to Sky Sports News, via his short tax dodge, I mean break, to his holiday home in Barbados. His idea was to scrap the window completely and only allow clubs to sign players in the summer, apart from ‘emergency signings’. It’s a decent idea, but I’m all for going back to the old system where teams could sign players all season-long, until March. I know that creates another transfer window situation but this would give clubs a lot longer to watch and negotiate potential signings. Whelan’s idea could just create another transfer window like this one.

I don’t think changes will happen though, simply because it has become a spectacle like everything else nowadays. On the network that says every game is ‘the biggest ever’, SKY’s coverage has been akin to election night. The amount of reporters they had around the country, commenting on bullshit rumours was laughable. I’m sure they have better things to do with their time, than standing outside in the cold and talking to some numpty who reckons Mido to West Ham is a ‘good deal’.

With clubs not willing to spend ‘big money’, the loan market was the big winner on transfer deadline day. I still can’t get my head around teams paying ‘loan fees’ though - isn’t the point of a loan to ‘borrow’ a player because you can’t afford him full-time and/or want to have a look at him playing first?

Latics snapped up their own loanee - Bolivian striker Marcelo Moreno from Ukrainian side, Shakhtar Donetsk. The club have a statement about this on the English part of their website, I had to laugh at their translation though! I just hope that he doesn’t have the same sort of impact Julius Aghahowa did when he arrived from the same club!

I’m hoping both Moses and Moreno can get the goals to keep us in the league. This is going to be a crucial couple of months for Wigan Athletic. I really do believe that if we manage to stay up this season, we WILL take off next season.

Trust in Bob, he can do it!

Marseille at The Tavern - Reviewed!

2010-01-31T19:53:00.000-08:00

Older folk always bang on about Tony Hart being the ultimate artist on Kids TV. In the 90’s however, Neil Buchanan was the top man and (in my opinion) was much better than Tony! So imagine the shock, when folk find out that Neil spends his time nowadays - playing guitar in rock band, Marseille!

The band played at the Tavern in Wigan on Saturday, so I would have thought it rude not to attend! The Tavern has gone under a major change over the last few years and is now one of the top venues for live music in Wigan. Sadly, the Wigan Music Collective aren’t there any more, as I reckon the new set-up at the Tavern is better than that in The Tudor and would have been the ideal base for them.

Support on the night was provided by ‘The Layzee Maybees’ and ‘Helvelyn II’. We arrived in the middle of the set by the Maybees, who had a nice folky-acoustic sound, fronted by a lady singer/guitarist. ‘Hevelyn II’ were a decent hard rock outfit, who ended their set with a passable rendition of Motorhead’s ‘Ace of Spades’. However, it was Marseille we had come to see and as soon as they ripped into the first song, we could see why these guys were once on the verge of stardom.

Marseille almost ‘made it’ in the 70’s. They supported acts like Judas Priest, Whitesnake and Nazareth. After touring the US, their record company went bust and after a legal battle, the band was left without any of their equipment. It was two years before they got themselves together again and by then, it was too late. The band broke up in the 80’s and went their separate ways. And as we know, Neil went on to carve out a career in television.

Back to the gig, the band came on stage, led by Neil who introduced the band by giving the reason as to why they were late on – they went for a piss! Not something you’d expect to hear from a former kids TV presenter! After a minutes delay, due to sound issues, the band started their set with some good old-fashioned rock. Think of them as Black Sabbath, but without a prick as the vocalist! I enjoyed The crowd seemed to lap it up well and after what seemed like no time at all (an hour and ten minutes) the band finished. It took me by surprise to be honest!

Overall, it was a decent gig and not much more. A good start to my year of watching more live music!

If you get the chance, I would recommend you catch them live, if only to see one of your childhood heroes with scary hair! You can listen to a few of their songs on their MySpace page, as well as their official site! The band have already recorded a new EP and a album release is imminent. Expect another review on these soon!

The rest of the night was a blur. I don’t understand how I spent the money I did, I have a tenner which is ripped into two parts and after leaving our last port of call (at about 3.30am) we were met with snow!

A good end to a good night out then?

Music Club #8 - Rock The New Dawn!

2010-01-29T07:11:00.000-08:00

We’re indeed moving into a ‘new dawn’ for Music Club, as we’re introducing a ‘live track’ to replace ‘surprise track’, because lets face it – everything in music is a surprise!

In this edition, we’ll be going to the Middle East, checking out the rock scene over there and then listening to one of the best live collaborations I’ve ever heard!

Favourite Track – The Clash – Rock The Casbah

This song is apparently about the ban on rock music in the Middle East. That ban would have been fair today - rock music nowadays is utter shite, but in the 80’s it was brilliant! I originally had a copy of this song which I thought was knackered as it had a ringtone recorded over it! It turned out it was actually part of the song’s background music! Whoops!

Live Track – New Order feat. Moby, Billy Corgan, John Frusciante – New Dawn Fades

This is a live version of the Joy Division song, played by the surviving members of the band (New Order) and features Moby on vocals, Smashing Pumpkins’ Billy Corgan and John Frusciante, formerly of the Red Hot Chilli Peppers. This song is part of the ’24 Hour Party People’ soundtrack and is well worth a listen. It’s one of the best live songs I’ve heard for a while - the raw emotion in it is just quality!

If Lionel Richie Was Born and Raised In Wigan....

2010-01-28T05:36:00.000-08:00

I've been alone with thee inside me mind
And int me dreams I've kissed tha' lips a reet load ov' times
I sometimes see tha' pass outside me door
Ow' Do, is it me thas' looking for?

I can see it int th'eyes
I can see it int tha' smile
thas' all I've ever wanted, (and) me arms are open wide
'Cause tha' know just what to say
And tha' know just what to do
And I want to tell tha' so much, I love thee...

I long to see the sunleet int tha' locks
And tell tha' time and time again how much I care
Sometimes I feel me 'eart will overflow
Ow' Do, I've just got to let tha' know

'Cause I wonder where tha' art
And I wonder what thas' upto
Are tha' someweer feeling lonely, or is someone lovin thee?
Tell me how to wint' tha' th'eart
For I 'aven't a bloody clue
But let me start by saying, I love thee ...

Ow' Do, is it me thas' looking for?
'Cause I wonder where tha' art
And I wonder what thas upto
Are tha' someweer feelin lonely or is someone lovin thee?
Tell me how to wint' tha' th'eart
For I haven't a bloody clue
But let me start by sayintg ... I love thee

(Cheers to Tat of the Mudhuts Media forum for starting a cracking thread with the above, you can view more Wigan-ised songs here)

Rock, Chips & (Rubbish) Football

2010-01-26T10:54:00.000-08:00

This will shock you - I’ve had a weekend of football and telly! First I went to Nottingham to watch Latics somehow go 2-0 behind against Notts County at half-time before clawing back a replay, as 2 second half goals saved us. It was a cracking day out, the report of which you can read on my Football Travelling Blog. Hopefully that first half will finally shake up the players, who have been pretty woeful this season. Still, with 3 of the ‘BIG 4’ out and with Fulham awaiting the winners of the replay, it isn’t too ridiculous to be dreaming of Wembley, is it? Okay, maybe it is ridiculous, but we can all dream!

Sunday saw the long-awaited ‘Only Fools and Horses’ prequel, ‘Rock and Chips’. I quite enjoyed it - there were a lot of nods to the series and the change from comedy to drama I think worked in its favour. It’s seems people expected an all-out comedy, but it was very different to what they expected. The hour-and-a-half ‘pilot’ follows Del’s mum, Joan, as we learn about how she first encountered Rodney’s dad, Freddie Robdal (played by Nicholas Lyndhurst, aka Rodney from OFAH).

I thought it was well written and I quite enjoyed the direction of the story – the moment the Cinema manager closed the door behind Joan (after harassing her), I knew what he was up to! James Buckley did a good Del Boy, but needed more screen time. Phil Daniels as Granddad almost stole the show but it was Kellie Bright as Joan who carried the episode. Would I like to see more? Yes! If only to see the moment when Robdal accidently killed himself by sitting on a detonator (mentioned in the OFAH episode ‘The Frog’s Legacy’) and of course more of the teenage Del!

‘Rock and Chips’ is available to watch on the IPlayer here. You can also read writer John Sullivan's BBC blog post about the episode here.

Next weekend will see me watching Art Attack’s Neil Buchanan’s band ‘Marseille’ at the Tavern in Wigan, so look out for a review of that! That’s if I manage to remember what happens, yes – I’m back on the beer!

Oh dear!

Music Podcast #1 - This Is Music

2010-01-23T17:37:00.000-08:00

My readers (if I have any) will know by now that I love music, so much so that I inflict a fortnightly ‘music club’ on you. Well here is another one of vanity projects, in order to promote the music I love…

I've put together some of my favourite tracks from various bands of the last 30 years, who all hail from my native North West England. I've mixed them into a podcast for your listening (dis)pleasure! Think of it as a Chris Moyles podcast, but without the shit jokes and shit music!

If you're into stuff like Joy Division/New Order, Doves, The Smiths, Cast, Stones Roses etc (and of course, Wigan bands such as The Verve, The Railway Children and Starsailor) - you'll love it!

It's about an hour and a half of pure (or poor, whichever you prefer) music!

You can grab the mp3 from here

Hopefully this will be the first of many podcasts, so if you enjoy, please stick with it!

Bad Backs and Musical Art Attacks!

2010-01-19T08:57:00.000-08:00

I’ve always wondered how the hell Latics goalkeeper, Chris Kirkland, manages to do his back in every game or two. After suffering with one for over a week now, I’m more than prepared not to pursue that line of questioning! Somehow, I pulled a muscle whilst sitting down! Yes, I’m surprised too – apart from injuring myself whilst sitting down, I was more surprised to learn I had a muscle in my body!

Obviously, smoke and mirrors have been used when I tell the story to the ladies. The current storyline involves me doing my back in after heroically rescuing a ‘cute little puppy’ from certain death, on the Formula 1 track that is the roads of Pem! It hasn’t worked though, for some reason!

In other news, I’m going along to the Tavern on the 30th January to see one of my childhood heroes. No, not Ron Jeremy (he scares me anyway), its Art Attack’s Neil Buchanan and his band ‘Marseille’! During the ‘Rage Against the Machine For Christmas Number 1’ campaign, Neil put his support behind it and at the time nobody was sure why. Apparently, Neil and his band have been playing since the late 70’s before he went on to TV presenting. So now we know why!

It should be a fun night anyway and I’m really looking forward to seeing my first gig of the year. I’m hoping it’ll be the first of many, as I did promise myself in my New Years List. Plus I’m hoping to ask Neil where he got those hilarious baggy jumpers from!

Marseille play at the Tavern in Wigan on Saturday 30th January, see the website for more details.

Speaking of music, I’ve just recently got hold of this ‘Spotify’ program. Basically, you install the software on your computer and using the interweb you can stream 1000’s of songs free of charge. The only thing it does insist on is playing very camp adverts every 5 songs or so, but what do you want for nothing? If you hate adverts, you can become a premium member and pay to have the adverts removed, plus the stream will be of a higher sound quality.

Enough of the blatant plug, what do I think about it? Well, I like it! It does have a few notable acts missing from the search option, because of the lack of deals with various record companies. Not many acts are missing though, so don’t worry! I think it’s a great way of getting old and new music, of all genres, out there to people. We can’t avoid downloads these days (legal or illegal) so it’s great to see some record companies embrace new technology like this.

Spotify remain hopeful of getting more record companies on board and eventually I think the program will only go one way - by turning into a premium-only service. It’s the way of everything nowadays - if something is successful, lets milk it for all its worth. Anyway, you can still enjoy it while it’s free, you have to register here before downloading the program. It’s all free and takes about 10 minutes. Enjoy! (The program is only available to use in the UK and selected EU countries, see the above link for details)

So that’s me out of here, my back is telling me to make a brew. As we all know, a cup of tea is a cure for everything!

The Office of Death

2010-01-18T11:08:00.000-08:00

They say office jobs are cosy but looking around a typical office the hooligan inside me can see the damage that an ordinary piece of stationary can cause. And that’s not a hooligan who wears bad clothes and speaks with a South London accent either!

So if some coffee-supping dickhead gets on your wazzock, here’s a number of things you can inflict on them.

The Stapler – Depends what size, the bigger the better I suppose. The beauty of a stapler is that it is handheld and easy to conceal, unless you’ve got hold of an industrial stapler which will make you one evil bastard! The best place to staple is normally the face but it doesn’t really matter as most staplers are pretty versatile. Rating – 8/10

Scissors – Quite easy to figure out how to use, as most of today’s cowardly, bed-wetting gangs (or ‘crews’ as they like to call themselves) use scissors, hence there’s no class in using these on some daft bollocks in the office. And having class is everything. Rating – 5/10

Photocopier – I love this method. You can physically assault them using the lid of the photocopier and take a picture at the same time. So you can extract revenge and take home a souvenir of the bastard’s bloodied face. You’ll feel very much like a photo-booth operator at a theme park ride. Rating – 9/10

Water Cooler – This is ‘Wigan Water Torture’ at its best. Just shove your enemies head into an empty water cooler and fill it up. The knob won’t drown, they’ll just get poisoned by the polluted water which we are scandalously made to pay over-the-odds for. Rating – 6/10

Office Door – Bit of an obvious one but you can really take advantage of these new modern doors, which seem heavier but easy to break into for some reason. It’s also a great way to avoid any retribution as you could palm it off by saying ‘it was an accident’, but why you wouldn’t want to celebrate hacking off a limb, from a person who you hate, is beyond me. Rating – 8/10

The Phone – This is a bit of retro-violence but it’s ideal if you’re alone with your nemeses, so nobody can see you cave their head in. It’s a bit risky but if you’ve got nothing to lose then go for it. It’s a widely used technique in the city, apparently. Rating – 7/10

Shredder – No not the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ mortal enemy, I mean an actual paper shredder which apart from inflicting excruciating pain on your target, will also make you an hero, let me explain. Basically, all you have to do is to (sneakily) put the person’s tie/blouse into the shredder and when they scream for help, make it look like you’re trying to help them. This will give you the chance to smash their face into the desk a few times, under the pretence of ‘I’m trying to get them out’. You can also let them asphyxiate for a bit and/or feel them up. Make sure you do eventually pull them out, so you can claim your praise around the office for saving the wanker’s life. Rating - 10/10

Filling Cabinet/Cupboard – This is more of a ‘holding technique’, so you can spend some time deciding what do with them (using the above methods) when everyone has gone. Just make sure you don’t imprison them in a wardrobe – knowing your luck they’ll escape to Narnia or summat!

Sack and Bag – A bit of an extra activity here, if you’ve somehow managed to hack off two or more limbs, you filthy beast! Make sure the post sack is clearly addressed to Andy Burnham before cramming it with the various body parts. Don’t forget to nick their wallet/purse.

Please note that I don’t take any responsibility if you carry out any of these actions, although I would be willing to provide you with an alibi if the bung is large enough.

A Resolute New Year

2010-01-15T18:27:00.000-08:00

I’ve never made any ‘New Years Resolutions’ before. I just think that it's a load of bollocks, because the next year will always be the same as the last. But I’ve realised that shouldn’t be the case. It’s all about what you do and I’ve done fuck all for years. So with this in mind, here is my list for this year. I don’t like ‘Resolutions’, how you can resolve something that you don’t already do?

Seeing more live music – Now I used to do this a lot. Every Wednesday we used to go for a right piss up (despite having college the following morning). Two-for one drinks and a pool competition in the old café Nirvana and then it was on to the Lux Club. Student card got us in for a quid, more drinks, watch the bands and then (for want of a better word) a disco until the early hours. I miss it a lot, those places are gone now but other have took their place. Not as good, but at least we've got something left for music in Wigan.

I had became disillusioned with music in the last few years, for various (boring) reasons but thanks to the RAGE campaign, I’ve realised that there is that support there for proper music. Grassroots gigs need to be supported, even more so than the professional acts. I’m also going to try and see more of them too!

Going to more football games – Similar to the music thing, I run a blog which charts my (mis)adventures, travelling to non-league football grounds. I’ve done a couple, but really need to be doing more. Non league football should be the real alternative to the mega-rich, SKY-ran shite that is the Premier League. Plus I do like travelling to other places, taking in the scenery, sampling their beer and getting slapped off their women! Oh and I suppose more Latics' aways won't go amiss either!

Keep fit – Bit of an obvious one, but I do really need to get fit. If only to attract a lady!

Attract a lady – see above

Go out more – see above

Be nicer to folk, even though they are utter twats! Manners cost nowt.

Get a proper job!

I think that’ll do, for now!

What’s That Coming Over The Hill? (with a packet of fags and a bottle of Lambrini) Is It A Chav? Is It A Chav?

2010-01-14T10:07:00.000-08:00

I’ve got wind of a battle going down on the streets of Britain. With a swish of a black cloak and the lighting up of a ciggie, Goths and Chavs go to war!

Britain has had its own fair share of ‘culture wars’, more notability the Mods and the Rockers, in the 1960/70’s. Now in the 21st century, two new groups are ‘at it’ - Goths, famous for wearing black, wearing make-up (yes, even the lads) and listening to death music. The Chavs are almost a complete opposite, stripy jumpers, tracksuits, Rockport’s and ASBO’S.

I sent my ‘home boys’ to investigate:

CHAVS

Seen as the ‘underclass’ of Britain, we however don’t believe this. Our chav seemed at home with his ‘bitch’ (who is pregnant with her third child, and is only 15) and a few ciggies. Smiling and taking a swig of his Colt 45 special brew, he explains about his culture. “It’s f**king safe man, yer know whatta mean? We think that wearing Paul Smith and Burberry is mint.”

What do you for a living? “Nowt, yet man. The Jobcentre are already paying Becks (his ‘bitch’) for Britney and Kylie (his and Becks children) so, we’re sorted for now. I trained as a bricklayer at college though.”

That’s great, do you have any plans to return to it, for your kids? “No man, my bro (not his brother, his mate) keeps me in weed and beer so I’m okay.”

What sort of music do you listen to? “Some dance, rap that’s about it, that Busta Ryhmes is safe as f**k!”

Bearing in mind your girlfriend is only 15, do you treat her from time to time? “Yeah, of course I do man! My bro gets hold of some White Lighting every now and then.”

Bearing in mind you’ve got a young family, do you intend to learn how to drive? “Don’t need to man, I’ve bin driving since I was 7. My bro’s got a new 1995 Fiesta and its f***ing good s**t man!”

I notice you’ve got a dog. “Yeah man, that’s Rocky it’s a pit bull, but its soft as s**t."

It looks pretty viscous. “Nah man, its only bit two people and one of them was me.”

What do you think of Goths? “Me and my crew go tw***ing them every Sunday at the park, there’re proper morbid f***ers.”

Any chance you and them could become mates? “Like f**k! They shouldn’t be dissing my homies. Now where’s my 20 superkings you offered me for this chat, man?”

Thanks to our Chav for the interview!

GOTHS

Goths are not so difficult to spot, taking their name from an early Northern European tribe, they wear all black, make up their faces white and listen to death metal, such as Cradle Of Filth.

We tracked down a Goth and she gladly let us interview her.

So why do Goths wear all black? “It sets us apart from the crowd, we don’t care what other people think, we are Goths and everyone else can just go away.”

What do you do for fun? “We just meet and have a chat every now and then, I’m at college, studying Art, so we meet often.”

You’ve got a reputation for witchcraft and believing in Vampires, do you? “Of course, you wouldn’t be a Goth if you didn’t. Personally I’m a practising Witch, my witch name is Gimmiesex Blossom.”

What ‘magic’ do you specialise in? “Just karma spells, if someone does something bad, then I’ll cast a spell!”

What stereotypes do you often deal with? “Them Chavs, they’ve got bad karma, they reckon we f**k animals – as if!”

(Screws up and throws away next question) So, I understand you and Chavs don’t see eye to eye, why? “They are just horrible. They think, just because you’re a Goth, you need a good kicking, well we dish out as much as we get.”

What do you think of their lifestyle? “Nothing, if they want to have kids when their 14, then that’s their problem, I’ll wait till I’m 45, thanks.”

So you have plans to get married? “Yes, but not yet, maybe when I’m 40. I want to enjoy life first, while I’m young."

Chavs describe you as ‘morbid’, do you agree with this statement? “No, we are in touch with our spiritual-dark side and karma will get them sooner or later.”

Some people are scared by your image, what do you say to reassure them? “Normally I would say f**k them, but it isn’t good karma. So I’ll say, don’t be afraid, we are not the enemy, them scummy Chavs and Chavette’s are the groups that people shouldn’t tolerate.”

Thanks for your time, I’ll just nip into the pub to get you half a lager.

Thanks to our Goth, hopefully you now know how the different teenage groups of Britain think, because we don’t!

Music Club #7 - Comfortable (LIVE) Blues

2010-01-13T07:44:00.000-08:00

Welcome to first Music Club of 2010! In this edition I’m going to see two great live performances. One is a blues-rock chap from Belfast, the others one of the greatest bands of all time, probably!

Gary Moore – Still Got The Blues For You

Not sure when this was recorded, but by doing some digging, I believe it was in London, in the 90’s. Listen, I’m not frigging Zane Lowe you know, I don’t have to present these things!

Gary is notable for working with Thin Lizzy, but has had big success as a solo artist. His ‘white boy singing the blues’ act works well and it’s clear he’s a superb guitarist. He’s worked with blues legend BB King, so if he likes him, it’s fine by me!

Pink Floyd – Comfortably Numb (Live 8, Hyde Park 2005)

There were a few things I took from Live 8, one was realising once and for all that Bob Geldof was a twat. The other was Pink Floyd.

I know people bang on about ‘Another Brick in the Wall’ but for me, this song is much, much better. I was just entranced by the whole thing, it was too hard to put in words at the time. What makes it better, is that this line-up had not played together for 24 YEARS!

Just incredible

Live performances will be a regular feature on music club, as will an upcoming format change!

The Club With No Fans & History...Still Upsetting Everyone!

2010-01-08T12:08:00.000-08:00

It’s obligatory that I have to write about the other thing I enjoy in my life. Well, I say enjoy, most of time it’s just moaning and fighting with my fellows on the interweb! Yes, Wigan Athletic vs. Hull City only attracted 5,000 for an FA Cup game last week and everyone has dusted off their lazy-arsed quotes about Wigan and the town in general. (Oh and taking pictures of a CLOSED stand to add some illustration for their articles works a treat too!)

Needless to say that I can’t be arsed to reply with the reasons why the crowd was so low (despite it being a few days after Christmas/New Year in a working-class town, in the middle of a recession and the ‘gutless performance’ from Latics at Old Trafford a few days earlier), so lets just say for arguments sake that Wigan Athletic are a utter fucking disgrace to English football, haven’t got any fans, is a Rugby League ‘stronghold’ and without Dave Whelan, they wouldn’t exist. Of course we won’t!

(But if you’re interested, I’ve compiled a list at the bottom, so you can read at your pleasure!)

I hate the press in this country. They seem to be able to dictate to people what they should think. Newspapers should be for presenting news, not making up bollocks and telling people how to vote. I’ve ranted on about them to anyone who will listen, but it just doesn’t make any difference. Their lazy-arsed style of journalism is just truly unbelievable, as this case has proven that they do no research whatsoever. And these bastards have all been to university! God knows what they teach them, but be very afraid for this country’s future!

But isn't it great that we are still pissing this people off? We're a small-town team who have dared to challenge the 'elite' of trademarks who call themselves football clubs. The last time I looked, points in football are awarded for the team's performance, not how many supporters/muppets they have!

Oh and we won 4-1, not that anyone gives a shit about that, eh? An away tie against either Notts County or Forest Green Rovers awaits us in Round 4!

In other news, the silly season is upon us again (No, not SUPER League Rugby, that’s next month) - the January transfer window! Usually Dave ‘Father Jack’ Whelan flogs off all our best players and we struggle for the rest of the season. However this time, we are in desperate need of points, so hopefully those outgoings will be just the deadwood and not key players. Oliver Kapo has already pissed off to Boulogne on loan and we’ve brought in goalkeeper Vladimir Stojkovic, on loan from Sporting Lisbon. With Richard Kingson playing at the African Nation Cup (phew!) and Chris Kirkland currently playing with a glass back, that just leaves 37 year-old Mike Pollitt, as the club’s only senior keeper. I just hope Vlad isn’t as bad as Kingson. Then again - I’m probably a better goalkeeper than Kingson!

So that’s all what’s going on with Latics at the moment. Hopefully by next month we’ll have some fans (apparently we don’t have ANY at all), an FA Cup 5th Round spot, a decent squad and a few more points on the board!

Then again, you’re more likely to see George Best having a pint in the snug of The Crofters with Michael Jackson, than all that happening!

(S)Hitlist of mindless comments

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/blog/2010/jan/06/wigan-fa-cup

http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/149776

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/olliewilliams/2010/01/fa_cup_attendances.shtml

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/606/A61410944

The End Is Just The Beginning...

2010-01-02T18:08:00.000-08:00

So what will be my first blog post of 2010? (Like you give a toss) Well, the only thing I can remember from New Years Day (after going to bed at 10am, after having a ‘little drink’) is watching the last Doctor Who episode to feature David Tennant as the current incumbent of the TARDIS – The End of Time (Part 2).

Now this isn’t going to be a full review, as I want to look forward to the future. Plus I can’t be arsed! The first part of the story (transmitted on Christmas Day) was a so-so affair, a set-up for part 2 if you will. But I LOVED part 2, bollocks to what everyone else says! Doctor Who fans can be as fickle and brainless as the supporters of my beloved Wigan Athletic at times, but the response to this episode has been positive. Not that I give a shit what anyone else thinks mind! (My, I am swearing a lot. Sorry!)

With a cast like John Simm, Bernard Cribbins, Timothy Dalton, Catherine Tate etc this already was shaping up to be brilliant. However there was one thing that people wanted to see (or not to see) – the rengention of Tennant into newcomer Matt Smith. No not the bloke who hosts ITV’s football! (I’ve actually met him you know, sort of!). Anyway, this episode had everything that a ‘send off episode’ should have -aliens, big guns, an aerial dogfight with a spacecraft and missiles, 81 year-old Cribbins shooting the said missiles with the said guns. It had tears, laughs, anger and even the TARDIS started to blow up! It had everything that family viewing should have and that is why so many people love it. How many programmes change the lead actor 10 times in 46 years and STILL be as popular?

A big salute must go to Tennant, who has somehow got young girls watching! Hopefully these creatures will go away now and leave the show to the real fans! Only joking, but the amount of crap I’ve read online is truly unbelievable. Doctor Who is bigger than any actor, writer or producer. Always has been, always will be. Big thanks must also go to the production team who brought the show back and have made it the monster it is today (that’s a good-natured furry monster!) Russell T Davies and Julie Gardner, as well as Phil Collinson, who left last year and will be producing Coronation Street now. Good luck to him with that!

David Tennant has been a great Doctor, I personally don’t have any favourites. Each incarnation is the same man, so how can you have favourites? I love every one of them for their portrayals and any true fan would probably say the same. Although I’m not sure Tennant-loyalists would appreciate me by saying that he wasn’t even the best performer in ‘The End of Time’ – that honour goes to Cribbins. The man is just truly phenomenal in every scene he was in. He can make people cry and laugh on the turn of a penny and I’m so glad he was brought back as a companion for these final two episodes. If Patrick Stewart can get a knighthood for his career, then surely ‘The Crib’ can?

Let’s look forward to the future now and I will go on record as saying that I think Matt Smith will be a FANTASTIC Doctor! In his 1 minute debut at the end of the episode, you can just see what a natural choice he his to play an alien time-traveller. People have compared him to Tom Baker, because he seems a bit of an oddball! That’s meant in a good way, before any of you PC brigade work yourselves up!

The BBC posted a trailer on the interweb after the conclusion of the episode and from those short clips - we know we’re in for a treat. The new ‘show runner’ is Steven Moffat, a writer who is loved by fans and has a very good pedigree. The comedy series ‘Coupling’ was his brainchild after all. Oh and how can I not mention the lovely Karen Gillan (the picture at the top) who is playing the new companion. Some young lads are going to want a poster of her rather than The Doctor! Moffat has described her as 'Boys will like her and girls would want to be her’. I don’t think he’ll be wrong!

Whatever happens, I’ll be a loyalist until the bitter end, but with Moffat taking over that bitter end will just not come. Doctor Who is one of the country’s most watched and much-loved programmes and it will always be that way. I don’t have a clue how the new format of the show is going to turn out, but isn’t that just exciting? I can’t wait!

‘Geronimo!’ indeed!

David Tennant Regeneration Into Matt Smith

Series 5 Trailer

Happy New Decade

2009-12-31T06:34:00.000-08:00

I’m not one for doing a 124-part review of the decade (I’m too lazy), nor Am I able to do an ‘alternative’ and ‘witty’ review like Jimmy Carr. He’s hilarious you know. No, I’m just going to write a half-arsed load of bollocks and hope it turns out alright.

And that Ladies and Gentleman, is the 00’s in a nutshell. That’s a giant nutshell by the way, for giant mutant squirrels.

Yes, the century that has promised so much has turned out be even worse than all the others. Despite the rapid development of new technologies, the people seem to rapidly developing back into apes, as ignorance, anger and pure selfishness becomes the ‘must have’ accessory in these modern times. Maybe the fact that I’m feeling like this is because I’ve turned into an adult (which is very debatable) in this decade, I don’t know. But fundamental problem with the world is the attitudes of its people, if we change that then things would get better.

Anyway, here are my best and worst things of the ‘noughties’

Me turning 18

The decline of pubs

MP’s being caught fiddling expenses

No Jobs, no money, no future for some people

Latics winning promotion to the Premiership

Latics winning promotion to the Premiership

The return of Doctor Who being a success and paving the way for new original British drama

Eastenders

The Interweb

The Interweb

The underground music scene continuing to thrive

The music industry in general

The music scene in Wigan

The rest of Wigan

The resurgence of fanzines (well, online versions) and fan-made podcasts

The press, talking bollocks, taking sides and making ‘celebrities’ out of total pricks

YouTube

The politics behind YouTube and mindless comments and abuse from its users

Churchill 'the Dog' Adverts

‘Money 4 Gold’ Adverts - devious bastards!

Digital radio

Digital television

I’m sure there’s more, but I. Just. Can’t. be. Arsed

Happy New Year!

We Did It! (But Not Everyone Is Happy)

2009-12-23T06:19:00.000-08:00

It was an event that brought the worst out of tabloid journalists everywhere. Tonnage girls threw their teddy bears around their room in anger and Newcastle fans did yet another protest outside St James’ Park. Yes – little Joe McElderry from the X-Factor(y) was beaten by a 1992 song from ‘Rage Against The Machine’ to be the last Christmas No1 of the decade.

What people don’t understand, is that this fan-backed campaign bared no malice towards Joe, instead it was all about making the race for the Christmas No1 ‘fun’ again. For the last few years, the X-Factory has made that once fun race a formality, using their tacky telly show as the vehicle to flood the charts with absolute shite ‘music’. And the most disturbing thing is - their hierarchy and viewers think that they have a RIGHT to the No1 spot, because of all the ‘hard’ work the artists put in over the months!

Now let’s forget about the real aim of the campaign for a minute, I joined because I hate what the X-Factor is. I’ll concede that the show is great entertainment, I mean 20 million viewers can’t be wrong. However that is all it does, it does NOT make great music. Music means a great deal to some people (including myself) and seeing the likes of Simon Cowell treating it so horribly by signing up awful artists who’ll be working at B&Q next year, it’s heartbreaking. Go to the pubs and clubs and you’ll see/hear people who write, play and sing their own music. Enough said really!

The most brilliant thing about all of this however, is the amount of people it has brought together. Almost a million people supported the cause and Facebook has never looked so good. One of my other main pet-hates 'is social networking' (despite being a member myself!) as everyone seems to spend all of their time on there nowadays and don’t get out and do stuff. But its times like these, when 500,000 strangers meet up, make friends and download a song, it makes me realise that the interweb can actually do some good! Can you imagine what would happen if everyone did that when a really important cause crops up?

Some people aren’t fans of RATM, but downloaded anyway, only to see the power given back to proper music. The Joe fans don’t understand this and seem to think it was all a joke and ‘nobody likes that kind of music’. You’ll always get your bandwagon jumpers of course and the campaign has seen more ‘Johnny Come Latelys’ than a Old Trafford crowd, in the last few days, as the band have promised to play a free gig as a ‘thank-you’. You have to accept these people are genuine music fans who have only come out in support because everyone else has. It’s safety in numbers, not following the flock!

The interweb wouldn’t be the interweb if mindless abuse didn’t rear its ugly head. Enter the fanbase of Joe McElderry who have totally misunderstood the campaign’s message and resorted to incorrect statements and mindless abuse. It’s funny as his fanbase is entirely made up out of teenage girls, post-menstrual women and grannies. He’s got a cute smile? So fucking what? RATM wrote ‘Killing in the Name’ in a LA slum after the cities riots and racist cops. Surely a angry song like that means a lot more than some Geordie lad singing a song written by Disney for Hannah Montana -9 MONTHS AGO, about over coming personal battles.

Well that’s the X-factor in a nutshell isn’t it? EVERYONE has had a personal tragedy and EVERYONE has worked extremely hard to get on the same stage as Dermot O’Leary. Yep, looking at that, the message behind ‘Killing in the Name’ looks rather childish doesn’t it? The less said about the tabloid press (who do more to push the X-Factory product than Cowell ever could) the better! They are just a complete set of snidey, horrible, thick bastards!

It’s a shame for them really, because if the X-Factory didn’t exist, the young people of today might have a better grasp of reality. Reality? This is supposed to be a reality show after all! But you see how something like music can affect a person’s personality, the lack of intelligence from these people is astounding, dismissing RATM as a ‘shouty, noisy, old man-band’. They seriously think 18-year old Joe has more talent than men who were playing before Joe was even formed as sperm. He has a ‘great voice’, and….? The lad will go the same way as the other X-Factory winners and end up being dropped without a pot to piss in and will have to do panto to pay his debts, in a few years time.

And that is what the X-Factory is all about - make a quick buck and move on to the next bunch of unfortunate bastards. It’s a cycle that has repeated itself time and time again, but the viewers will just sit in front of telly on Saturday night, eat popcorn and lap up the shite that Simon Cowell tells them to like. That’s not even entertainment.

Fuck you Cowell, I won’t do what you tell me!

(You can download the last 15 minutes of Radio 1’s chart show here, and yes I had about five panic attacks during it!)

Keep music REAL!

A Real Bright Spark (Not So Much, As It Turns Out)

2009-12-20T17:02:00.000-08:00

He was doomed as soon as he walked through the door.

Being an ex-Manchester United legend doesn’t go down well with Manchester City fans and they never gave him a proper chance. Despite being 6th in the league and losing only two games all season, Mark 'Sparky' Hughes has been sacked as manager and replaced by Roberto Mancini.

Somehow, people think that City should be challenging for the top 4 after just a year being the club with the richest owners in football. There are 4 clubs currently leading the way up there. Man City’s squad isn’t good enough at the moment to break into that coveted mini-league. It takes time to build a side, Mark Hughes was doing that before his unnecessary departure.

I’ve disliked Man City as a club since their arrogance when they got relegated to the Second Division in 1998 and their ‘We shouldn’t be playing teams like Wigan and Macclesfield’ mantras. I don’t mind the normal, everyday Mancs who go watching them but the last year alone has seen them gain more whoppers than a Burger King season ticket holder. I suppose that’s the price you pay for success, but what success? Newcastle haven’t won fuck all for 1000 years and they’ve got more clueless fans than Man Utd. Okay, that’s a bit unfair but I’m sure you take my point!

To be honest I hope they do break into the top 4 eventually, it’ll be entertaining to say the least. But look at the likes of Aston Villa who are doing it the right way – with young, English players who don’t cost too much. City signed Villa’s captain, Gareth Barry, in the summer for a ridiculous price. Just goes to show that money in football only works if you spend it wisely and have a chairman who gives a manager time to develop a football club. Before their unexpected windfall - City were strugglers in the bottom half of the table.

Can ex-Inter boss Mancini get his new side into the top 4? Not this season he won’t – he needs time to build his own squad, time that Mark Hughes could have spent turning his sides’ form around.

Shame

Download Some RAGE!!!

2009-12-18T09:56:00.000-08:00

I know I’ve moaned like a porn star in the past about the state of the interweb and the people who frequent it. But at times like this, I just burst with pride after seeing my fellow countrymen/birds feeling the same as I do. Basically, we’re sick of Simon Cowell’s plastic ‘music’ treating the once-coveted Christmas number 1 spot as their own. Instead, fans have launched a Facebook campaign to download Rage Against The Machine’s 1992 song ‘Killing In The Name’.

The campaign has attracted over 850,000 members on Facebook and we currently have a slender lead over X-Factor winner Joe McElderry, who is covering an 8 month old song by that bird who played Hannah Montana. Whoever that is. This campaign isn’t anything personal against Joe, as I’m sure his upcoming album will top the charts, but this is a refreshing change for the music industry in this country.

You might be saying ‘who gives a shit anyway’ but if you look at today’s charts, listen to the radio and watch the telly almost every act is either manufactured or came from a reality television show. This isn’t what music is about - the X Factor is great entertainment but it is NOT music. Simon Cowell and his cronies have shoved any old pap down our throats for years now and they think that they are ENTITLED to the Christmas No1. For evidence – Joe will be on the Radio 1 chart show on Sunday, how arrogant is that? In 5 years Joe will be forgotten, just like his predecessors - what is 2004 winner Steve Brookstein up to these days? Exactly.

Young people and children today are growing up thinking all you have to do is to go on a reality show to ‘be someone’, forget about working hard and developing real talent. This will be a victory for real music, for all those who ever bothered to write something, pick up an instrument and work bloody hard at it!

The X Factor is a cash cow for people like Simon Cowell, as long as people buy the shit it produces, the longer it will continue. This is nothing against the likes of Joe and his fellow contestants, as you can’t really blame them for being brainwashed into it, but we’ve all had enough of it. Cowell is getting worried - his childish outbursts against the Facebook group have been pathetic. He’s called us ‘bullies’, this coming from a man who has made his name bullying people on (inter)national television.

Keep music ORIGNAL AND LIVE!

If you want to help, you can download KILLING IN THE NAME from any of the links below. Remember – you don’t have too, it’s totally your own choice. If it was up to Cowell, you wouldn’t have a choice, it’ll be X-Factor finalists after X Factor finalist! Not just that but the Facebook group have already raised over £50,000 for the homeless charity Shelter and the band themselves have promised to donate their cut of sales to Youth Music.

You can download the track from:

7DIGITAL - track #2
http://bit.ly/ratm-7digital

AMAZON - yes it will count at 29p, not the FREE one
htpp://http://bit.ly/rage-amazon

TUNETRIBE - 49P - track #2 - LIVE version
http://bit.ly/ratm-tunetribe

TESCO DIGITAL - 67p - track #2
http://bit.ly/ratm-tesco

HMV.COM - 79p (careful - this is track #1)
http://hmv.com/hmvweb
http://bit.ly/ratm-hmv

PLAY.COM - 70p - it's the only track on the page
http://bit.ly/ratm-play

WE7 - £1.07p - track #2
http://bit.ly/ratm-we7

iTUNES - 99p - track #2
http://bit.ly/ratm-itunes

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Cheers and Happy Christmas!

Music Club Christmas Special 2009

2009-12-16T17:51:00.000-08:00

Well seeing as it’s the Christmas season now (that’s if you’ve not done as you’re told by shopping adverts and starting celebrating Christmas two months ago) it’s only fitting to share some of my favourite Christmas songs with you. Now I’m going to avoid some obvious ones, but honourable mentions go to Slade (obviously) The Pouges + Kirsty MacColl (the best Irish band England has ever produced) and Wham (‘Last Christmas’ was about George fancying Andrew Ridgeley, no question).

I’ve gone for a few well-know ones but yet they seem to slip under the radar after the clock ticks past 11.59 on a Christmas Eve. Seeing as I’m a miserable bastard (apparently) I’ve tried to put some depressing songs in there. Happy Christmas!

Mud – Lonely This Christmas

Yes, it’s Les Gray, the bloke who sounds like Elvis, despite his band being a very successful 70’s Glam Rock act from London. ‘Tiger Feet’ is probably their other notable song, which was released 11 months prior to this. Les Gray sadly died in 2004 as a result of a heart attack, whilst suffering from throat cancer. Apparently he was on 50 fags a day and liked a bit of a drink too, quite ironic seeing as Christmas is now a season to get utterly off your face. I suspect it was like that in 1974 too, when ‘Lonely This Christmas’ reached No1.

Johnny Mathis – When A Child Is Born

Now I’m not a religious man but seeing as Christmas is supposed to be about religion (and not emptying your bank account) I can appreciate that some Christians might be pissed off that their festival has been hijacked by soulless money-grabbing bastards. Sorry bit of a rant there! This is a cracking song though that I always love listening to - just listen to some of the lyrics, they are still very apt today, nevermind when this song was released in 1974 Anyway, I’m sure my Granddad used to love Johnny Mathis, so this is for you Granddad Billy!

Ricky Tomlinson – Christmas My Arse

This sadly won’t go down as a classic, but it should. The bloke famed for playing Jim in the Royle Family, as well as being jailed in 1972 for not testifying against his mates in the Trade Union (he never mentions it), brought this song out in 2006, which reached number 26. It’s a wonderful summarising of what Christmas has become nowadays, in fact – I can see myself bringing out a single like this, so watch this space!. I’ll let Ricky take it away and explain further!

Bing Crosby & David Bowie – Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy

I just love this song because Bowie seems to be smacked up to his tits, whilst singing with a legend like Bing. Well, that’s how it must have looked when it when it was featured on Bing’s telly show in 1977 anyway! Nah - its just two legends singing a great song.

Bowie was still on something though

Shakin Stevens – Merry Christmas Everyone

I’ve featured Shaky in a previous Music Club but to be fair – he’s too nice to turn down! Plus we need to end on a hopeful note, before all the depression kicks in after New Year. Enjoy this Christmas number 1 from 1985!

Seriously, have a Happy Christmas with your family and remember that the point of the Christmas holidays, not spending a shitload of money or getting pissed in some dingy bar, on your own, on Christmas Eve (like I’ll be doing!)

Cheers!

A Scottish Fig

2009-12-14T06:43:00.000-08:00

Where was I when Maynor Figueroa scored THE best goal of the season? I was in Glasgow watching it on the telly, while the rest of the pub was watching Celtic at the same time! Thankfully, I didn’t encounter any problems despite cheering on a team who was wearing orange! To be fair Glasgow isn’t as bad as a trouble spot as people make it out to be, the people are quite nice in fact. You just need to keep your mouth shut, like you do in most places! Although you wouldn’t believe how many pound shops they’ve got though!

Drinking Stella at 12.30 in the afternoon never tasted any sweeter when Emmerson Boyce bravely headed us in front, despite being kicked in the head by Sjoke shithouse Salif Diao. We all know what type of ‘football’ Sjoke play and it isn’t pretty. In fact - it boarders on the illegal. The amount of fouls and lack of yellow cards produced just didn’t add up, all this was confirmed when Andy Wilkinson jumped into Mario Melchiot when the ball was nowhere to be seen – and only got a yellow.

Unfortunately our defence is leaky as Cumbria at the moment and Sjoke equalised when Tuncay scored when he had right to – as Melchiot just seemed to walk back after the Turkish forward went past him. It’s this poor defending which is costing us points and it just isn’t good enough for a Premier League side. Meanwhile all the Scots were cheering and groaning every time the ball went out for a throw-in, I realised that they were in fact watching the Celtic match and weren’t interested in Latics!

It was Sjoke on top for most of the second half but Latics rallied when Figgy produced a moment of pure magic. Rory ‘all I can do is throw-ins’ Delap decided it would be a good idea to kick the ball 10 yards away after Scott Sinclair was fouled. Figgy just ran up to the ball and unleashed a shot that ended up travelling 60 yards and into the Sjoke net. It was an unbelievable strike that I only caught when it was on its way in. It was the pure anticipation (or cheek, if you will) that made the goal as great as it was.

With Latics being Latics, the lead lasted just two minutes as Ryan Shawcross headed Sjoke level from a corner. For some reason Kirkland came off his line and ended up nowhere near the ball, in fact if he had stayed on his line – he would have saved it! That wasn’t the end of the frustration though – Latics were on top towards the end of the game and when Jordi Gomez was fouled in the box, the ref pointed to the spot. Gomez was offside but to be fair, Paul Scharner was denied two penalties beforehand as he was ‘manhandled’ during corners.

As soon as Hugo Rodagella put the ball down on the spot, I had a feeling that he’ll miss. These feelings normally turn out to be true and when his tame spot kick was saved by Sorensen, I cursed myself. Two points dropped, no question. All game there were some people behind me cheering for Sjoke, as it turned out we were the only people watching the match - and it was sickening hearing them cheer.

The goal has been well received by everybody but I’m concerned about our reaction. We seem to using this goal as a selling-point for the player. All I’m reading is ‘oh, he’ll move on to a bigger club now’. I wish we would have more bollocks when it comes to selling players. We shouldn’t sell any of our players to the likes of Sunderland and Tottenham. I’m sorry but if we want to be challenging for Europe (which is our aim, apparently) selling players to teams who will be our rivals in achieving that feat, just isn’t acceptable. If we are going to sell players – sell them to the top 4 and big European clubs. The money-grabbing antics of Dave Whelan annoys me - we’ll sell Figgy for about £8 million and bring someone like like Michael Ball in for nothing. And people wonder why we are struggling.

The lads played well against Sjoke but it’s those individual mistakes that cost us, time and time again. Things need to improve as we’ve got Liverpool on Wednesday, who are also on a bad run. With the moaning that their fans do - Liverpool are odds on to wipe the floor with us but I’m hoping and praying that just for once we can beat them, as we’re in more need of the points than they are.

Oh and Celtic won 3-2, despite missing a penalty!

The Goal

A Tiger Feat

2009-12-10T07:15:00.000-08:00

I was stumbling around a London hotel room at 6am when I heard the news about Tiger Woods being involved in a car crash and his wife had to smash open the window with a golf club to get him out. Less than a week later, it turned out she was probably trying to twat him with it, after his murky ‘personal life’ came out. Apparently, Tiger has been doing more ‘coming’ than the occupants of a backstreet porn-studio!

Yes, the worlds best golfer (yes, A GOLFER) has finally been caught by his wife of 5 years, after a (alleged) string of affairs over the last few years. With the tabloids being tabloids, nobody seems to know how many women he’s knocked off in the short time he’s been married. Apparently, it’s easily into double figures as it’s emerged that Tiger has a taste for an ‘adult actress’ or two. I can hear them now ‘Ooooooh Tiger, you’re such an animal!’ (Obviously puns aren’t my strong point!)

Now I know this is sad for his family and you’ve got to feel for them, but who would have expected a golfer as famous as Tiger to be involved in this kind of carry on? True, we’ve had Nick Faldo but that’s like saying we’ve got a bike and the yanks have a Ferrari. This just proves why women go for men like Tiger – the money and fame. I’m sorry girls (if any read this) but its true, forget about the ‘GSOH’ bollocks. As long as the blokes wallet is fat enough, it doesn’t matter about anything else. Shallow, that’s all you are!

Sexism aside, Roger Federer must be shitting himself. First his Gillette TV ad team-mate Thierry Henry made himself into a villain by using his hand in the build up to France’s goal against Ireland in the World Cup play-off match, now fellow ‘close shaver’ Tiger has been in more holes than one of his golf balls. The ‘Curse of Gillette’ exists, I’m telling you!

It should be interesting to see what becomes of this story but it’s only going to get worse as the world’s gutter press have stuck their noses in. Expect Tiger’s mistresses to star in a string of reality shows, perhaps all at the same time. Tiger’s Mistresses? I can see it now, a big-brother style show with the winner being the one who is the most bitchiest. Wonder if the prize of a night of passion with another golfer, erm…Colin Montgomery will go down well?

Fair play to Tiger though, the last two weeks have done more for the image of golf than anyone wearing any ‘wacky’ outfit could ever do!

A Miserable Christmas

2009-12-09T06:50:00.000-08:00

As I write this I couldn’t be as miserable about Christmas even if I tried. I’m sick of the shallow, ‘buy this, buy that’ attitude of people. Have I done my Christmas shopping? What the fuck do I have to buy? I’m a 23 year-old single man who lives with his Dad and Sister, what do you think I have to buy?

Maybe it’s the lack of loving I get at Christmas, I don’t know, but I’m starting to really detest it. The only good thing about Christmas was going on the piss but even that is starting to lose its appeal. ‘Mad Friday’ (the last Friday before Christmas, when most workplaces break up and everyone goes out for a drink, or sixteen) will see blokes out for the first time this year, as their wives/partners refuse to let them out, so they will be highly pissed and probably on the lookout for trouble. Then there’s the women who will be wearing ‘hilarious’ Santa hats and fairy wings, laughing and giggling at every male in sight. You’re not in Primary School – grow up!

All this hate might stem from the fact that I’m a miserable bastard most of the time (I prefer the term ‘realist’) but at the moment all I can see is that the aftermath of Christmas Day will involve debts, arguments and broken families. Sometimes its quite fun being as lonely as Oliver Twist, as you can see these things. Most of the time however, it isn’t great when you’re seeing everybody enjoy themselves, regardless of them making utter tits of themselves.

So with this in mind, I’m off to Glasgow on Friday to see a friend. A weekend of drinking will get underway as soon as I get there and I’ll even be watching Latics on SKY at 12.45 – at the same time Celtic play on another channel! This is going to be fun, I think! I just hope Latics don’t let me down like they have for the last few weeks - I couldn’t bare it if we hand in yet another rubbish performance.

So here’s hoping I’ll come back from this trip, less-miserable/real than I am now. I’m really looking forward to it - I just need to watch the outgoings on my wallet!

Oh that reminds me - I must get my Christmas shopping (i.e. beer) in!

Bye Bye Teletext

2009-12-07T09:58:00.000-08:00

A sad event happened last week in the North West - the analogue television signal was switched off. Now we have to put up with 100’s of channels showing absolute shite. How can that be though? Surely more channels will mean more great programmes? Does it bollocks! The majority of the channels are pointless, the only aspect I love about digital television is the catch-up services and the IPlayer. When they work of course.

The sadness that I refer to, isn’t the loss of ‘council telly’ but for the loss of the best television invention since ‘Real Wives TV’ – Teletext. I hope that most people have fond memories of scrawling through pages upon pages of news, information, adverts etc that were all displayed on Teletext, or the BBC version – Ceefax.

I have fond memories of playing the quiz on Channel 4 Teletext – Bamboozle. The quiz was hosted by the insufferable Bamber Boozler, who always seemed too smug when you got a question wrong and had to start from the beginning. I loved playing it, well when I could play it - my Mum used to always play it before me and spoil it by asking me for answers! Weekends saw a junior quiz – hosted by Buster Boozler. This quiz was normally a piece of piss and was a two fingered salute to middle-class Blue Peter-watchers who’s Mummy and Daddy could afford them this new craze called the ‘internet’. Who needs it when you could abuse Buster and his Dad on Teletext?

It was great for checking sports news and scores. When I couldn’t get to a Latics match, I used to always check every five minutes for the score! I also remember me and my Mum staying up late to keep checking updates of Greg Rusedski playing in the 1997 US Open tennis. Shame he lost! Another aspect I liked, was that you could display the latest scores on the bottom of your screen whilst you were watching a program on the same channel.

A great story involving sport and Teletext was when Wycombe Wanderers were so short on strikers that they put an advert on Ceefax. Roy Essandoh replied and ended up scorer the winner against Premiership Leicester City in the FA Cup! A great story that just goes to show that watching television can do some good!

Another great aspect of Teletext was holidays - we even booked one once! It was a cheap, last-minute deal, which was a great surprise when you’ve come home from a tough day at school. Well I say tough day, I had more trouble from the teachers than the other kids! But just imagine what state the holiday industry on the interweb would be like if Teletext hadn’t have plugged the gap? I very much doubt you’ll be able to nab some holidays for as cheap as they are now.

Teletext may have been slow at updating stuff but it always displayed a great array of information. I don’t like this new digital text, as somehow it seems to be slower than Teletext, doesn’t display half as much information and it makes you reboot your set-top box on a regular basis! If you wanted subtitles, all it took was a quick press of your text button followed by 888. Now you have to trawl through your settings, which could take an age, depending on how good your box is! I hate digital television!

RIP Teletext

Balls, Balls and More Balls

2009-12-05T09:52:00.000-08:00

So I’m watching the draw for the 2010 World Cup, in between making my tea and texting. I can’t help but notice that apart from Charlize Theron being a fit piece, that this draw is an utter mess. I grew up loving watching the FA Cup draw, were balls were just pulled out of a bag. In a World Cup draw - all the balls are put in ‘pots’ and are ‘seeded’, god knows what Alan Titchmarsh must be thinking.

I understand that this is done so each group would have teams from different continents playing each other, but it’s the way they go about it that bothers me. Draws for cup competitions should be simple affairs, not all glitter with a b-list actress doing the draw. 100’s of people had to be drafted in to help the draw run smoothly, whilst a week previously the FA Cup draw was done in a room with 3 blokes. That’s how draws should be, save the spectacular stuff for the opening ceremony. Oh how I’m looking forward to that…not!

England have got a ‘favourable’ draw and will play the likes of the USA, Algeria and Slovenia. I’m happy with this draw and I was delighted to draw the Americans. Despite the ‘special relationship’ between the two nations, I always love any encounter with the yanks - hopefully this time we can beat them! It’s just a shame that 85% of America doesn’t give a toss about football, or ‘soccer’ as they call it. It’s equally a shame that 85% of those in England watching the football in June, won’t have a fucking clue about football, or ‘footie’ as they call it.

We should get through, but the upmost respect must be shown to these teams. USA have some quality players playing in England, Algeria are a decent African outfit and Slovenia beat a very good Russian side to qualify via the play-offs. Hopefully we can avoid any banana skins and more importantly - get the yanks back for making most of their 80’s films run with a anti-communism theme. I believe if you even say ‘communist’ in America - you’ll be put in irons as quickly as you say ‘it’s a joke, no don’t touch me there’!

During the glitzy affair that was the World Cup draw, another glitzy affair was underway to unveil the brand new World Cup ball. Eh? It’s a football, not a frigging rule change! All this attention on a football – it’s laughable! Apparently the ball is called ‘Jabulani’, which means ‘bringing joy to everyone’ in Zulu. I wonder how the other 10 official languages of South Africa feel about that?

Needless to say that this new ball is apparently ‘the roundest yet’, so you’re saying that they played with a square ball in the 50’s? I don’t understand how you can get a round ball to be even rounder than it already is! Still, this ball isn’t a patch on my favourite tournament ball – the England Euro 96 one. I know it’s a biased claim, but I have fond childhood memories of me kicking it around the field and being very careful not to bounce it on tarmac, in case it got scraped. That lasted all of 2 weeks, until the artwork started to fade, as did England’s hopes of wining Euro 96! Sorry, I had to try a bit of poetry there!

Reports that the Euro 96 ball was named ‘Get in the net, you f***ing t**t!’, haven’t been confirmed.

Whatever happens, lets hope England have a good tournament. I’m not making any predictions, as I hate doing that, but fingers crossed we’ll progress through the group stages, as after that – anything could happen.

Another exit on penalties then?

Music Club #6 - Having True Faith in 80's Electric Dreams

2009-12-04T05:21:00.000-08:00

We’re going all synthpop in this edition of music club. In fact, I like this genre that much - this is a series that could run and run…

Favourite Track – New Order - True Faith

A Top song and superb video. Okay, nobody has a clue what is going on in the video - but it’s enjoyable nevertheless! What can be funnier than two rum gentlemen in daft outfits slapping each other? It’s like a scene outside a nightclub every Friday night! Enjoy!

Surprise Track – Phil Oakey & Giorgio Moroder – Together in Electric Dreams

The only surprise with this, is despite being in one of the biggest groups of the 80’s, people still can’t spell his surname right. It’s just something that pisses me off, as people sometimes pronounce my surname wrong - it’s three letters long FFS! Anyway the Human League’s main man is called Phil OAKEY, not OAKLEY! I need a lie down now!

As an added bonus, here is the extended 12” version of ‘Electric Dreams’. I like this a lot better than the single version. Musically - it’s so much better! (Notice it's credited with 'Human League' *slaps head on forehead in absolute frustration at the lack of knowledge/research done by people*)

Blood, Sick and Tramps - On The Road To King Street

2009-12-03T09:13:00.000-08:00

Wigan has become a melting pot for drunken fights, people bring sick and horrible women lifting up their skirts for every passing, equally horrible men. No it isn’t a rugby match at the JJB - it’s the town centre nightlife!

Featured on Five’s ‘CCTV Cities’, Wigan’s King Street, was shown to be a haven for drunken pricks, drug dealers and people with all the dignity of an anorak who collects Gary Glitter records. But to be fair, it isn’t Wigan that is just like that, it seems to be a nationwide problem. As a proud Wiganer, it saddens me that we don’t dare to show some originality. We have to copy what other towns and cities do. Not just people’s lifestyles but the way in which the town centre pubs and clubs run things. The annual Boxing Day fancy dress is probably the only unique thing we have left.

My latest tirade comes hot on the heels of the apparent closure of The Tavern. It’s seems that another town centre pub has bitten the dust, as the King Street ‘superclubs’ get richer. Like most pubs, The Tavern was once a great place for live music, a bit of a drink (!), the odd burger (laced with salmonella!) and in some cases - a drunken sing-song! It’s even more of a shame when you consider how many pubs have shut doing the last couple of years. People, even in these tough economic times, seem to prefer paying through the nose for club entry, drinks and the oppounitiy to be patronised and bullied by the staff, whilst for a fraction of that outlay, they could enjoy a decent night in their local. Hopefully The Tavern will re-open as soon as possible and not become a soulless shop or an empty building-turned Thai restaurant like The Crofters.

I’m not against nightclubs (if that’s what their called nowadays) in any way, I sometimes go into them but I really don’t understand why people would want to spend more money, every week, just because they ’have good music’ (which is very debateable!). I understand that those are the places ‘to be seen’ at but why not have a change every so often? Spend a little time, pacing yourself, at one of the very few pubs we have left, have a nice drink and chat. But no, people just go out at 10.00pm neck a couple of alchopops, make a complete dick of themselves, try to listen, then 'dance' to deafening 'cheese' and end the night up in a police van, with a shoe/half their face missing. Classy place eh? I'm probably a fine one to talk! I always end up drunk most weekends but I don't feel the need to commit crime or make a prick of myself. I go out to have a good time and as I pace myself, with a lovely pint of best, I do!

King Street is home to a number of chain clubs. Not Wetherspoons or the many breweries which try to keep the pub genre going but million pound monstrosities such as Liquid, Walkabout and the ‘wacky and wild’ Jumpin' Jaks. All of which you will see in most towns in the country, with the same set up, drinks and ‘entertainment’ If its what people want, fair enough but is it what they want? All this ‘drink what you want and really quickly’ culture has been forced upon us by these chain clubs and sadly people vote with their vomit. The pub culture has always been about pacing yourself and resisting the temptation to throw ‘slammers’ down your neck.

As i've said already - it’s a nationwide problem and the recent case of the student idiot who somehow escaped jail after urinating on a poppy wreath, blamed drinking for his actions. Well I blame the person - if he hadn’t have kept on drinking, in the quantity and time he did, he wouldn’t have done what he did. For the record, I have drunk more ale than this prick could ever dream of and I would never do something like that.

What am saying is that it is the total irresponsibility of these people that is to blame. If they had more brains, we wouldn’t be in this mess. You can blame drinks companies and nightclubs all you want, but they are only serving a demand. Once these thick bastards who pretend its 100% the fault of alcohol, start to realise that maybe the person is to blame - we might start getting somewhere. I’m just in fear for our country if most students behave like that every weekend.

Britain’s once proud pub culture is slowly being decimated, I would be surprised if there are any ‘proper pubs’ left in ten years. I suppose it doesn't really matter - we are slowly losing our national identity anyway. Now its all about drunken idiots, who can’t handle their drink, stumbling about and causing no end of problems. Is that what we really want? What happened to having a good time, listening to good music and having a nice drink?

Most of the above was written last year, thankfully The Tavern has now re-opened and is doing a great job of carrying on hosting live music.

Maggie Jones 1934-2009

2009-12-02T16:32:00.000-08:00

I was too young to remember Ena Sharples, I can just remember Bet Lynch and I liked Vera Duckworth, but there hasn’t been a female soap character that has been as brilliantly-funny as Blanche Hunt in Coronation Street. Today the actress who played her, Maggie Jones, sadly passed away after illness. She’ll be solely missed by millions of viewers who enjoyed her witty one-liners and put downs. For me, she was one of the reasons to watch Corrie.

It’s something to write witty dialogue but it’s something else to be able to act them out and deliver them with so much conviction. Maggie did this in the best way possible and earned Blanche a cult following among viewers. To be honest, I think it’s unfair to call her following ‘cult’ as everyone who watched enjoyed her performances!

The character of Blanche Hunt, the mother of long-suffering Deidre, was first introduced in 1974 and was actually played by another actress, Patrice Cutts. Sadly, Patricia committed suicide after just appearing in two episodes and was replaced by Maggie. The character however, wasn’t a permanent one and only made a handful of appearances until she became a regular cast member in 1999.

Since then, Blanche as become famous for being a busy-body, nosy pensioner with an acid tongue. But despite her funny side, Maggie also showed she could do a ‘softer’ Blanche as well, as she has delivered some wonderful, meaningful lines over the years.

I suppose the character of Blanche has maybe in some way helped to improve the ‘image’ of pensioners among young people. The character wasn’t too far from what some elderly people are actually like. Young people love the witty lines and respected the character and Maggie Jones for what she was. Hopefully it’s helped in some way to dispel the images that elderly people are too old, frail and miserable - which another soap, I could mention, does to a tee!

RIP Maggie, you’ll be solely missed. Thanks for the memories.

Meanwhile enjoy one of more recent scenes. (Don’t drink anything if you like your screen being clean!)

No Fear of Rainbow Banners - A Collectormania London Report

2009-11-30T09:30:00.000-08:00

Well I’ve come back alive from my weekend in London! To be honest, it was a decent trip, nothing really to write home about. I suppose it’s difficult to do a lot when you’re spending most of the trip volunteering at a signing event, but next time I will DEFINITELY have a proper mooch around!

The event wasn’t as hectic as it could have been, thousands of people turned up but despite the number of people around - everything seemed to go down well. I was working on the (mis)information desk on the Saturday, basically telling people to go to the ticket office, if they wanted a ticket! Thanks to the others on the desk, Sara was a very lovely girl, who I had some banter with!

Also thanks to another woman (whose name escapes me) who was a languages teacher and lesbian to boot. What made things more interesting is that she happened to have a laugh like she had violent hiccups! She also kept moaning about ‘her girlfriend’ and various stuff that’s happened to her. Despite that - she was a good laugh! Meanwhile, my sister was sending me text updates on the Latics score and I raised a few eyebrows when I was ‘showing my delight’ (i.e. shouting GET IN!) as Hugo Rodagella gave us a vital 3 points against a Harrods-shopping Steve Bruce and his Sunderland team!

Saturday neet was a complete wash out. I was staying at a very expensive hotel paid for by the company, and had to get a taxi to another similar hotel for the crew party. I didn’t really enjoy myself, not really the fault of anybody - I just didn’t fancy it!

Sunday saw me collecting bags for people who were having their photos taken with various actors. John Barrowman had over 500 people to get through! Sorry, that should read ‘500 people who wanted a photo with him’! Anyone who knows what Barrowman is like will know that it’ll be easy for him to ‘get through’ 500 people, male or female!

After hours upon hours of just standing around - it was finally time to leave! I was a bit disappointed that I never got a job where I was actually involved with the main part of the event, but at the same time – I wasn’t arsed. I was knackered and didn’t really fancy a couple of drinks in Camden later. Well that thought went out of the window when I stepped on the tube going to Camden Town 2 hours later!

Speaking of the London Underground – isn’t it great? Such a good idea, which is often criticised by folk. I can’t understand why to be honest, as it’s the best way to get around and if you can avoid rush hour - then you’ll be fine. It’s just a shame that the people on the tube are such miserable bastards though. I couldn’t stop smiling, whilst the rest had their heads down. Cheer up for fooks sake! I mean, how can you not laugh at a station called 'Cockfosters'?

I had a potter about Camden later. Had a pint in ‘The Worlds End’ and then I chanced upon this pub. ‘The Black Cap’ was the name, and as soon as I saw the rainbow banners and pictures of trannies, I knew that shirt-lifting was the game. ‘Shit! What have I got myself into here?’ I thought. I got to the bar and just as I was about to be served by this bird (it was defiantly a female) this bloke, who was stood next to me - was eyeing me up! I grabbed my pint and sat down, choosing to eye up two woman (also definitely female and not men in drag) instead! One of them was drinking a pint and after seeing that - I didn’t need any more evidence that these two enjoy each other a bit too much!

Anyway I left as soon as I drunk up and to be honest - it wasn’t that bad! I doubt you’ll see me down Canal Street any time soon though!

My night quickly petered out, as I had a conversation with this Polish bird, who spoke very good English, but her companions didn’t. In fact most of the people I encountered in London, didn’t speak much English! After leaving her and her friends, I got myself a takeaway, along with some cans to take up to my hotel room and watched 2 and a half episodes of the tedious ‘My Name Is Earl’, as that was the only thing that was on! I fell asleep not long after!

I had a wander around Camden Market before I went home. It advertises itself as ‘World Famous’, maybe each stall selling exactly the same stuff is what makes it famous? I wasn’t really impressed, as Camden didn’t have groups of pensioners, with murderous looks in their eyes, stumbling around and moaning, like Wigan Market does!

So there you have it! It wasn’t the greatest of weekends I’ve had but it beats supping in Harry’s Bar! I’m hoping to visit London again soon, but I would advise you to plan your journey before you go and take plenty of money with you! For a better report of the Collectormania London event, visit the forum or the website.

Cheers!

Download My Book - Wigan Athletic: Beer, Birds and Football - For Free!

2009-11-26T08:57:00.000-08:00

It was written two years ago but I’ve finally cobbled together the blog posts from my year watching Latics at home - with my first ever season ticket!

Description

This is the story of Wigan Athletic in the English Premier League in 2007/08, seen through the eyes of a twentysomething fan who can only think about his beloved 'Latics', having a 'few pints’ and trying to get in with women. Still 2 out of 3 ain't bad, as an overweight rock legend once sang!

Wigan went from top of the league to being threatened with relegation, a sacked manager, England-call ups, 5-3 wins, cheating players and referees - and not forgetting - seeing the Premier League trophy being lifted in the flesh!

And of course, along the way the author found himself pissed up in various Northern English drinking establishments, even going to a rave wearing corduroy and being molested by the living dead!

This is what being a real football fan is about. This is - Wigan Athletic - Beer, Birds and Football!

You can download the e-book as a .PDF here

Please note that you will need a .PDF reader, such as ADOBE ACROBAT or FOXIT to open the file. You can download a .PDF reader by clicking on any of the links.

Cheers

London Calling...

2009-11-24T18:35:00.000-08:00

So this Friday sees me return to London, for only my second proper visit. On both occasions I’ve been volunteering for Showmasters, who run film and TV signings/collectors fairs up and down the country. It’s something that I enjoy doing, as it sees me do something different. Normally I’ll be spending my weekends minesweeping in Harry’s Bar or summat! Those who know Wigan will get that!

Anyhow, I’ve been busy planning what I’m going to be doing with my scant time off – unfortunately I’ll be frequenting more train and tube stations than a tramp! If there is one thing this country is good at - it’s producing superb tramps! I’ll be spending most of the weekend at a hotel in Heathrow, which has been booked by the company. I’m not sure what to think about this – it’ll be great seeing a massive airport like that but prices of ale are likely be more nearer to a fiver a pint, as travellers are robbed blind. Something tells me I’m going to take some cans!

Sunday will see me spend the night in Camden, a place I’ve heard good things about. I’m not sure what state I’m going to be in, as it could 9pm before I hit the tiles. I fear its going to be a 2am job yet again! Monday will see me taking a snoop around Camden market before getting the choo-choo home.

But it’s not all beer and begging for money outside tube stations - I’m going there to offer my services at Collectormania London, which runs from Saturday 28th-Sunday 29th November at Olympia 2 in Kensington. Plenty of famous guests are signing, so be sure to check out the website by clicking here. So that’s the obligatory plug out of way. I might get an extra free butty for that!

So I’m hoping that I manage to find my way around ok, have a decent working weekend, don’t punch any of the southerners, Latics get 3 points with me worrying about the game 100’s of miles away and just generally have a good time and don’t get stabbed!

Something’s going to go wrong, I know it!

I Was Once In Tears After Losing 9-1 In A Youth Football Match...

2009-11-23T17:01:00.000-08:00

I hope I never remember the 22nd of November for as long as I live. A horrible, horrible day in the history of Wigan Athletic. A 9-1 defeat at Tottenham. There, I’ve said it - and I won’t say it again.

After only trailing 1-0 at half-time we collapsed like the England Cricket team to record the worst defeat in our history and the second worst in the Premier League. It can be too easy to blame the manager, I’m a massive Roberto Martinez supporter and there’s only so much he can do whilst the match is going on. It’s up to the players to go out on the pitch and perform, the ‘performance’ yesterday was the worst I’ve ever seen.

I remember losing a football game in my youth by the same scoreline, I was so upset at the result - I just wanted to hide somewhere and never be found again. To me, some of the Latics players didn’t look too fussed, as they let Spurs trample all over them at every opportunity.

I just feel sorry for the Latics supporters who made the long trip down, thankfully the players have took some responsibility and have offered to refund every Latics supporter who went. It’s a nice gesture but to be fair - it’s the least they can do.

8 of the goals were a result of terrible defending, the other was just down to bad luck. Sometimes, it can be too easy to rip into a teams’ performance - but there shouldn’t be a hiding place for our players. It’s not just this result that is the cause of all this - it’s the inconsistency which plagues us every other game.

I just don’t understand why Latics can go out and beat Chelsea, one of the best teams in the world, but look like total amateurs against Spurs. It stinks of bad attitude, maybe some of the players have got no respect for Bob? I’m not sure. The most likely reason is that we don’t have a leader on the pitch and the communication between the players mustn’t be the best. However, these lads are professional footballers, most of them are internationals for heaven’s sake. It’s up to Bob to kick some arse now, with messers Jones and Barrow at his side - I’m sure that won’t be a problem!

Of course the muppets on the Interweb and elsewhere have been having a go, but to be fair most fans seem to feel for us. It’s the reaction of our own fans which disturbs me - we should instead be pulling rank and getting behind the manager. As I’ve said, there’s only so much he can do, but when there’s a bad result he’ll always get the flak - its bang out of order as there wasn’t anything he could have done. Our back four yesterday have been at the club for quite a while now and they are all experienced Premiership players. There’s no excuse.

It’s difficult at the moment, but we just need to bury our heads in the sand for a few days, take the insults on the chin and pick ourselves up to get behind the lads against Sunderland on Saturday. With me being me - I can’t make it as I’ll be in London – bloody typical isn’t it? I was looking forward to venting my anger at our so-called supporters who moan at every given chance!

So let’s try and forget this result and show the lads our support. I know I’ve more-or-less called their professionalism into question here, which might be a bit unfair, but lets show them (and the rest of the country) that we are proud of our club and will support it whatever happens.

Come on Latics!

P.S. To make things worse, our Goldfish died on the 22nd November 2009 as well! RIP Millie

CIN (Celebrities In Need)

2009-11-22T06:52:00.000-08:00

Is it me or is the line-up for 'Children in Need' getting worse every year? It's getting to the point now where I'll give them a couple of quid just to tell the likes of the Eastenders cast and BBC newsreaders to fuck off. You would have thought that they would provide people with proper entertainment, something they've never seen before, which will make them give money - because they enjoyed it. For some reason they just expect you to give money. I'm sorry but if you're going to do that, then don't have a telethon. Just stand outside ASDA with a money pot, I’ll gladly give some money. The idea is to entertain people, I don't want to watch some ugly bint from Eastenders murdering a classic song.

There’ll be people who’ll say, ‘well its all for charity, stop being a miserable bastard’, well surely if it’s for charity, you should be trying that little bit harder? These ‘acts’ do it for self gratification and promotion. Every one of the bastards who were on, promoted something or other. Proper acts don’t need to promote themselves, in front of the millions of x-factor-type viewers who seem to enjoy tacky and embarrassing television.

My stomach was to turn as the vastly overrated Peter Key came on, banging on about his (yet another) ‘charity’ single, by his ‘Peter Kay’s Animated All-Star Band’. Of course he had to slip in a mention of his forthcoming tour, ‘tickets are still available’, as the audience lapped him up, like a seedy businessman laps up a scantily-clad female dancer.

These ‘celebrities’ don’t do anything for nothing. While you’re sitting in a bath of baked beans or having your hair shaved off, it doesn’t mean anything because you would look like a tit. Celebrities on Children in Need may make tits of themselves, but the amount of praise and profile they get from appearing, will see them laughing all the way to the bank.

The only bit I did enjoy was the specially-made weekly program ‘Around the World in 80 Days’, which seemed to miss out most of the world! Obviously, the opportunity of a free holiday was too much of a pull for the celebrities taking part in this relay-type trip. Would this show be done better with ‘normal’ people? Perhaps parents of children who come under the remit of the Children in Need charity? They would definitely be trying that little bit harder, instead of going through the motions like the pair from ‘The Apprentice’

Here are five things I’ve learned from ‘Around the World in 80 Days’:

I would gladly punch Saira Khan in the face and not regret it

Myleene Klass is everything I thought she would be – an utter spoilt t**t. That isn’t attractive lads

Julia Bradbury is definitely a fit ‘older piece’

Matt Baker is definitely giving Julia one

Josie Lawrence gave me the biggest laugh of the series – (to Myleene) “Ooh, sit here and you can finish my burger”

Anyway, the biggest thing I’ve took away from Children in Need this year, is learning that it’s now just a vehicle for crap celebrities to try and raise their profiles, it has nothing to do with charity and entertaining people. Some of them should instead part with a tiny bit of their (unjustly earned) money instead of begging us to give ‘what we can’. How do you think people, who struggle to pay the bills each month, feel when we have someone like Robbie Williams, who signed a £80 million record deal in 2002, is begging us to give more money? Would our kids actually benefit? They don’t in Wigan, I can tell you that.

Music Club #5 - Forced To Dance To Shit Music, When You're Young

2009-11-19T12:04:00.000-08:00

There’s a link between the title of my favourite track and a school disco, in this edition of music club. And it isn’t funny!

Favourite Track – The Jam – When You’re Young

I’m a big fan of The Jam, so it’s really tempting to post their entire back catalogue here. Instead I’m going for one of their singles which has slipped under the radar, because of ‘Town Called Malice’ and ‘Going Underground’. I think this is better. Be sure to check out their back catalogue, as their songs are utterly fantastic.

Surprise Track – Stiltskin – Inside

The surprise with this song is that it was the only decent No1 single in 1994. Okay maybe not a big surprise but please stick with it. This is the year that Wet, Wet, Wet spent FIFTEEN WEEKS at No1 with their cover of ‘Love is All Around’. Sadly, the next No1 scared me forever, when I was young – it was Whigfield with that ‘all-time classic’ ‘Saturday Night’. I’m still having flashbacks from when teachers FORCED me to dance to it during a school disco that year. If they did that today, they'll probably get locked up for child abuse! 1994 also saw the likes of Take That, East 17, Pato Banton and er Manchester United, at the top of charts.

Please take it away Stiltskin!

Doctor Who - The Waters of Mars - Review

2009-11-17T10:56:00.000-08:00

If you want an example of why Doctor Who is so brilliant, check out the latest story, ‘The Waters of Mars’. This story had everything - great writing, wonderful directing, decent acting and the effects weren’t bad for something that is done on a relative shoestring. Well, it is compared to American television anyway!

I know I’m biased, but to be fair Doctor Who fans are the show’s biggest critics. At times they can be too hard on something that is just a harmless bit of fun for the family. That is the biggest aspect that makes Doctor Who as good as it is – it’s a program for everybody, not just select types of people, geeks if you will. It pulls people of all ages around the telly, in an age when watching telly as a family isn’t the done thing. An episode can easily swing from being all-out comic to heartbreakingly dark, like this one.

The Doctor (played by David Tennant) lands on Mars and goes out for a stroll, as you do, when he is quickly captured by Gadget - a ‘hilarious’ robot. It turns out that The Doctor has landed on Mars at the time of the first human colony - but he learns it’s the day that the base is destroyed - which is a famous moment in history. The Doctor realises he must get away quickly, to avoid mucking up time. Meanwhile, something seems to be infecting the water supply, something which turns people into mindless zombies who are intent on infecting everyone else, in order to get to Earth and its endless supply of water. The Doctor now knows the reason Captain Adelaide Brooke (Lindsay Duncan) blew up the base in November 2059 and went down in history.

It’s a cracking story - if you’re into disaster movies, you’ll be amazed (but not surprised) at how something like water could be so frightening. If you watch ‘Doctor Who Confidential’ (a ‘behind-the-scenes’ documentary, aired after every episode) you’ll see how much of a problem getting water to work the way they wanted, actually was! Top marks to the CGI team who did an amazing job of making a Welsh quarry look like Mars, too!

It’s an episode sprinkled with wonderful moments of conversation, metaphors and actions. A bit that I really liked was when one of the crew members, Steffi (Cosima Shaw) is trapped in a locked room, with the water about to infect her, she just switches on her screen to look at a video message from her family, for one last time. Such a horrible moment, but beautifully poetic at the same time.

David Tennant is to leave his role after the two-part Christmas story, where he will regenerate into Matt Smith. The end of this episode in particular, built up the tension of his impending exit very well, as he turned into a right bastard! Can’t say much more than that – you’ll just need to check it out for yourself. Let’s just say that if you’re a fan of the 10th Doctor - you’ll love it (maybe)!

I better end this review before gushing any more, which will end up not making any sense and you would just think I’m a ‘love-it-all fan-boy’. Well I’m not - I really dislike (most of) series 2!

Be sure to check out Tennant’s final two stories at Christmas, in the biggest extravaganza since...erm...last year! No seriously, there are a few decent actors in this one, some you’ll probably know very well!

In the meantime…don’t touch the water…not one drop!

Don't forget to check out a scene from the Christmas episode which will shown between 8-8.30pm on the Children in Need night this Friday

'The End of Time' Christmas Trailer

Edward Woodward 1930-2009

2009-11-16T09:39:00.000-08:00

It is with a bit of sadness that I write about the death of one my favourite childhood actors, Edward Woodward died today at the age of 79.

As a kid, I took an unhealthy interest in the series ‘The Equalizer’, which was a violent show about how folk could hire Woodward’s character to dish out a bit of retribution. No wonder I’m a little bit mentally-unstable today! Seriously though, from a young age I was always interested in adult drama (no not the ‘cheeky lady’ stuff!) and it has influenced me heavily.

Woodward first shot to fame when starring in the ITV series ‘Callan’ in 1967, as an hired killer, who worked for the government. Another one of his more notable roles was the lead in the original 1973 version of ‘The Wicker Man’, as Sgt Howie - a doomed policeman who fell foul of the bizarre locals and their religious beliefs.

He would go on to appear in a number of other roles in television and film, including ‘1990’, a ‘futuristic’ political drama made in 1977. However it was 1984’s The Equalizer which gained him fame across the pond in America. He played Robert McCall, a former secret agent who went about knocking off ‘bad people’. It was (and still is) a classic series that should be watched if you get the opportunity.

In later years he appeared in a number of films and television programs both in the UK and the US and wasn’t often out of work. More recently, I caught him in the first series of ‘Messiah’ and the 2007 film ‘Hot Fuzz’. One of his final roles on television was in ‘Eastenders’ playing a former-racist who accidently killed Patrick Trueman’s ex-girlfriend. His final role will be in the film ‘A Congregation of Ghosts’, due to released soon.

Whatever role he played, be it on telly, big screen or on stage, he always was a class act, someone who never pit in a bad performance - despite playing varying types of characters over the years. From frightened policemen, to hired killers, even to men of the church - Edward Woodward could do it all - but with amazing conviction and massive screen-presence.

Thanks for the memories, RIP Edward Woodward.

'The Equalizer' Intro

Dunston Checks Out At Glossop...Whereas I Just Get Piss-Wet Through!

2009-11-14T17:58:00.000-08:00

Read of my trip to Glossop, where I didn't meet any orangutans, sadly. What I did do was get piss-wet through watching football. No wonder I haven't got a woman! Check out my report on my Football (Drunken) Travel Blog.

Cheers!

A Weekend With Some Strange Gentlemen

2009-11-13T05:58:00.000-08:00

After missing the ‘Who At The Fab Cafe’ event last week, I’m determined to do something this weekend, what with no Latics game and all. So I’m going to be continuing my on-going blog of drunken football travelling adventures, by going to Glossop and watching them play in the FA Vase against Dunston UTS. Glossop reached the final at Wembley last season, where they were beaten by Whitley Bay. Glossop are one of the bigger sides in the North West Counties League – attracting crowds of 200 or so!

I love experiencing new places and football is something I enjoy, so why not combine the two? Whether it’s at a brand-new 40,000-seater stadium or a field that has been taped off – it’s still football. Plus you don’t have to pay £40 a ticket to watch Glossop!

Needless to say that Glossop is near Hadfield, which is the place that doubles up as ‘Royston Vasey’, the fictional town in the BBC’s ‘The League of Gentlemen’! So I’ve got to visit there as well! So here’s looking forward to a decent game and a few good beers - at a price that won’t break the bank! Don’t forget to check out my football travel blog here.

On Sunday, months of patient waiting will finally pay off as the new Doctor Who episode ‘The Waters of Mars’ will be on BBC1 at 7pm. It’s the beginning of the end for David Tennant’s ‘Doctor’, as he is due to regenerate in a two-part story broadcast during the festive period. You may not have guessed (?) but I love Doctor Who! It’s a program that has been running for 46 years and has produced some wonderful stories over the years. It’s a show that can do anything – it has no limitations like most dramas. But the best thing about it (especially the modern day version) is that it gets families together to sit around the telly and watch, in a time when it can be too easy to do other things and catch up on it later

I’m really looking forward to the next few months, as Matt Smith, a relatively-unknown 27-year old actor will take over from Tennant in 2010. It’s going to start a new era for the program, which I believe faces its biggest test since it came back in 2005. Tennant has been a great Doctor (even girls are watching now!) but people today can be so fickle and I’m worried that viewers won’t give Matt any time, before turning off. However, I’m sure that this won’t happen, as we’ve had 10 different Doctor’s already, all unique in their own way!

Doctor Who: The Waters of Mars is on this Sunday at 7pm on BBC One, you can view (the very scary!) trailer below!

Anyway that’s enough from me for now, here’s hoping for a decent day out on Saturday and a great episode of Doctor Who on Sunday!

Cheers!

Doctor Who - The Waters of Mars Trailer

Wigan - The Planner's Dream Goes Wrong

2009-11-11T04:11:00.000-08:00

Letting loose the lunatics - wasn't the greatest of ideas
Giving them plans and money to squander -
Should have been the worst of our fears

I love Wigan, but why oh why do we need to keep feeding the wankers who think it’s still the town that George Orwell wrote about in the 1930’s? Clogs, whippets, rugby and pies – sadly the local authorities are determined to recreate all of this, although without the state of poverty. And that’s not to mention the crumbling buildings and no facilities to speak of. Don’t forget, this a town who gets rid of a Olympic-size swimming pool and two smaller, decent training pools for children and adults alike and replaces it with just one 25 metre pool.

It’s all suddenly gone tits up for a town that had started to drag itself away from the image which people associate with us. For a town that has produced so much entertainment talent, not to have any concert hall to host major acts and to develop local talent is an absolute disgrace.

Let’s put that to one side for the moment and be upstanding for Mr Wigan - Yes, Pooles Pies have a new advert out! That’s right, the whole of the North-West can now order one of Dave Whelan’s crap pies from their local Asda or Morrisons. It’s typical of Wigan to feed a bullshit rumour about the town’s inhabitants loving pies and offer out the most disgusting pies ever made in Wigan.

Of course the term ‘pie eaters’ has nothing to do with ‘eating humble pie’ and the miners strike of the 1920’s. Silly me!

I really do fear for the town’s future. The building of a multi-million pound Grand Arcade was the first twinge in this toothache. Why build a shopping centre, whilst the other one across the road is as empty as my black book of potential female companions? Maybe the idea of a joint venture with a foreign company (that went into administration not long after) to destroy an historic street, instead of improving it, was too much of a financial pull? No, it has got nothing to do with money – it’s for the people of Wigan!

Oh and I didn’t know that Wigan ‘heritage’ could be defined as a block of flats and a Dominoes Pizza, as Wigan Pier’s new heritage centre kindly informs us.

I didn’t mean for this article to be a total bashing for the town’s council, as they actually do a good job when it comes to reducing crime in the area. No honestly, if you think Wigan’s bad, then go to Salford or Bolton! But I digress, it’s really disheartening to see that Wigan doesn’t have anything decent, as we’ve so much to give.

Here’s hoping that my premonitions of doom prove to be false!

The Jedward Code

2009-11-09T03:52:00.000-08:00

Has the country gone mad? With me preparing for Doctor Who: The Waters of Mars, on Sunday, all I’ve been hearing about from the telly, interweb and radio is ‘Jedward this’ and ‘Jedward that’. What the fuck is a Jedward? Is it a national company that has gone bust, leaving tens of thousands of people without jobs? Is it a new life-saving drug that can cure cancer? Is it even a new Doctor Who monster that will finally take the focus away from the Daleks and the Cybermen? No, its two utter ponces who can’t sing, can’t dance but have got all the country enraptured in their antics on the X Factor

What is going on? Everybody is talking about it. I’m not even talking about on Twitter or Facebook, where everyone lives their lives nowadays. No, I mean people are actually talking about it on the streets, in the real world!

The thing is with these lads is that they are quite simply, shite. They seem to be constructed of every single thing that I absolutely detest about teenagers nowadays. Crying, hugging and holding hands (with other men) in the hope that a brainless nation doesn’t vote them off, so they can still live ‘their dream’.

They have divided the nation, as most want to hurt them with a blunt instrument, the others want them to win because their ‘so entertaining’. Since when has being rubbish been entertaining? Give it a year and these boys would be sharing the same stage as Chico (remember him? Exactly) at a Butlins holiday camp, with kids being terrified of their hair.

It’s even funnier as you hear the reactions of the X Factor ‘fans’. Some have finally cottoned on and have called the show a ‘fix’. Bloody quick on the uptake aren’t they? Basically, Simon ‘I turned down Take That and offered a record deal to 'Zig and Zag' instead’ Cowell saved the lads from the axe, after previously saying that he ‘would quit the country if they win’ and that ‘they are terrible’. Don’t they realise that the only reason most people tune in, is to watch Jedward? Cowell knows this and he made sure that he steered the lads towards a show-saving vote that they would always win.

I don’t pretend to know much about how television works but I do know that nobody tunes in to a program that doesn’t entertain them. To me though, The X Factor sums up what is wrong with modern society - tacky television, starring tacky people and made for people who don’t want to think. I suppose you can’t blame people for tuning in when they are pulled in by the corporate money-making machine. Well, I can and do!

Maybe I’m being harsh on these lads - after all they only do whatever the X Factor hierarchy tells them to do. They are the tools in the bag of Simon Cowell and ITV, in order to sell their product and they try to push it as far as they can. That is the biggest problem with television nowadays – it’s not about entertainment, educating and inspiring people – it’s about money. Yes ITV is a comerical network, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they need to cutback on good drama programs to make way for reality shows. Television plays a big part in people's lives and they do get influenced by it. ITV have a duty to provide programming that will stimulate people, not turn them into mindless zombies, munching popcorn and screaming at the telly when some spiky-haired Irish lads, called John and Edward, go through.

As I’ve already mentioned, these lads won’t be around in years to come, their self-life will expire when people get bored. People will say ‘well at least they’ve lived their dream’, if going from a lucrative record contract to performing in front of a handful of people, at a windswept holiday camp, is their idea of a ‘dream’ - I’d be very surprised.

I really do hope that Jedward win, if only to bring people to their senses about television like this. Reality TV isn’t real at all – it’s as scripted as any other television drama. In fact, Doctor Who is probably more true-to-life!

A (Not Quite) Doctor Who Double

2009-11-07T16:38:00.000-08:00

Die to a family incident, I couldn’t make the Who At The Fab Café event. I’m really disappointed (and not just because I lost £26!) but hope to attend a convention in the near future. I hear everything went down well, so I hope everyone had a good time so that a Who at the Fab Café 3 won’t be out of the question!

Meanwhile, I visited the Doctor Who Museum in Blackpool, which is due to close for the final time on Sunday. I enjoyed my visit and I was really impressed with the place, I just don’t understand why it’s shutting down though. I took a few snaps, but thanks to the bad lighting and my abysmal photography skills - they aren’t the best! Still you can view them below, you might need to make them bigger just to see what they are!

Cheers

Music Club #4 - Dancing In The Moonlight, With Rosanna

2009-11-05T04:55:00.000-08:00

We’ve got some ‘Classic Rock’ on this edition of Music Club. Although at the time, this music was just known as ‘Rock’! See what I’ve done there?

Sorry

Favourite Track – Toto – Rosanna

Toto was a band made up out of the cream of America’s session musicians, so they are quite good! Best known for their song ‘Africa’, for me ‘Rosanna’ sums up what rock is really about – guitars, leather jackets and singing to a fit women in a cage, while she dances around. Ah - its heaven!

Surprise Track – Thin Lizzy – Dancing in the Moonlight

Thin Lizzy are rock legends. If anyone doesn’t say so, then they are Killers fans! They are probably known for doing the (best) cover of the Irish folk song ‘Whiskey in the Jar’, ‘Jailbreak’ and ‘The Boys Are Back In Town’, a song that was used far too much on the TV gameshow ‘Gladiators’. All I can see is Wolf’s ugly bastard face whenever I hear that song!

Oh and before you ask, the surprise with this song is that it isn’t the Toploader one, where Jamie Oliver and his ‘pukka’ mates and wannabes, all gather round at a house, park their scooters, eat pizzas (I thought they were bad for you, Jamie?) and masturbate themselves silly over that song.

Sorry, again.

Drunken Chats With Daleks - 'Who At The Fab Cafe 2' Preview

2009-11-04T09:15:00.000-08:00

It was summer 2003 and I was young, good-looking and quite a catch, well a bit more than I am now anyway! After a chance meeting with some friends, I went along for my first drinking trip to Manchester! 40 minutes later, I was there and sampling the city, people and of course - the beers! My eyes were wider than a smack addict’s, as I drank in my first proper visit to a ‘big city’.

Since then, I’ve lost count of how many big cities I’ve been too, but undoubtedly that visit to Manchester, as a fresh-faced 17-year old, seduced me into the joys of travelling to other places, drinking their ale and getting knocked back by their women! It was during this trip that I came up with the moniker ‘Sex and The Mudhuts’, the Wigan version of New York’s ‘Sex and the City’. To be honest, only Wiganers will get the joke!

It was during this trip to Manchester that I was first introduced to a bar called ‘Cult TV’, a cult television-themed bar. I was intrigued, but not really interested in cult TV at the time. It seemed small, dark, the walls were bumpy and purposely built like a film set. There were some old black-and-white episodes of some obscure science fiction program being shown on a load of tellies and there was even a Dalek hanging around! At the time, I wasn’t a Doctor Who fan but I always knew what a Dalek was, I even allowed the Dalek to pose for a picture with me and tried to engage it in drunken conversation! Sadly, I lost the phone about a year later!

Every trip to Manchester was complete with a visit to Cult TV, which was always great for a laugh but the atmosphere was the reason I loved it inside. Everyone seemed chatty, always laughing, joking, dancing and just generally having a great time! Sadly in recent years, my attendance has waned somewhat, with my last visit coming in March 2008, on the way back from watching Latics draw with Man City. However, this Saturday sees me return to Cult TV (now renamed ‘Fab Café, for some strange reason!) for a Doctor Who convention. See - I’ve come ‘Full Circle’ (there’s your Doctor Who reference!) I really do hope that none of the character, which Cult TV held, hasn’t gone along with the name. Hopefully it’ll be just a name-change and not a total refurbishment!

It’ll be my first convention as an attendee, so I’m looking forward to it, even though I’m not sure what to expect! ‘Who at the Fab Café 2’ is a fan-run event, which are always worth attending. With guests like Sylvester McCoy, Mary Tamm, Anneke Wills, Richard Franklin, Andrew Cartmell and Terrance Dicks – it’s sure to be an interesting event! I’m not really sure about the 10am start time - last week I only got home at 5am on the Saturday morning, after only ‘one or two drinks’! It really doesn’t help when the event organisers have also organised an aftershow party!

Look out for a report which will undoubtedly involve (more) drunken shenanigans, resulting in me attempting to stumble back into Wigan to watch the David Haye fight. Oh dear!

Girls At The Supermarket - A Tribute

2009-11-01T08:03:00.000-08:00

Have you ever stopped to wonder, while walking down the aisle at your local supermarket? I have – and it’s not just the high prices and crap choice that has made me go lightheaded!

It seems to me that all the lovely women spend most of their time at the local supermarket. They seem to hide, in between frozen foods and beer and stuck in between you and her are screaming kids, single mothers pushing prams, ignorant pensioners and rugby fans on a mad dash to buy savoury products before their ‘big match’ against Wakefield. These girls are like a diamond stuck in miles of thick rock. Unfortunately you’ve got more chance of finding a diamond stuck in the arse of the statue of Sir Francis Powell in Wigan Park than you have of getting near to one of these girls.

Some of them seem to ooze style, giving off the impression that they shouldn’t be shopping in there. Instead they should be hanging off the arm of some prick footballer or banker, employing their own staff to shop for them. Some just look like your dream woman – lovely to look at, they have a nice smile, intelligent and more importantly – like a bit of real ale!

With supermarkets being able to sell almost anything now, I bet there are plenty of male spies hanging out in the woman’s lingerie department. Sadly I’ve only encountered those single mothers and frustrated 40-somethings who are looking for some ‘rampant rabbits’. Not sure what that is, so I just fooked off to look at the computer games. And I don’t think ASDA sells rabbits, not live ones anyway!

Even the till girls are casting their spell. You know the ones I mean, the student-types who you know will be doing admin at the town hall, when they pass their course. Seems a waste, doesn’t it? But at times, your eyes seem to be stuck on them rather than your products, which she is scanning through the till.

But you’ve got no chance with these girls I’m afraid lads. Empty-headed researches believe that many people meet their future partners in supermarkets. Sorry but that’s just bollocks – women here would just tell you to fook off or ring the fuzz like they do when you approach them in your local pub. I mean how embarrassing would be to get rejected in front of some melons or ‘down the chocolate aisle’? They are just there to look at, boys - don’t touch as they are probably already with some steroid-filled twat who could smash your face in with one punch. That’s the way of the world I’m afraid – women just don’t go for real men like you or me.

Anyway, I would like to salute these women for ‘keeping it real’ and providing male shoppers with a reason for going out, apart from work and the pub! Cheers girls!

Friday Fright Nights!

2009-10-31T14:01:00.000-07:00

Halloween came a day early for me last night. Well I say last night, it was actually 3am this morning, so the above statement is technically wrong! Anyway, the fun started in an unnamed town centre bar, whilst enjoying my (10th) pint and having a chat, this woman came over and pushed in the conversation.

Apparently she knew the bloke I was talking to and spent an hour telling me how she had heroically rescued him from getting twatted a week back. ‘Right’ is all I could say. She was a large lady, without a decent personality and smelt a bit, it was clear (to me anyway!) that she was trying to chat me up. ‘What have I got myself into here’ I thought. She kept going on and on about how life had been harsh to her. I’m not surprised, considering how ignorant she was.

That’s one thing I hate that. Ignorance. It was a case of everything she was saying was right and that ‘I should listen to her’, I was starting to feel really tired of her and it must have shown in my face. Being the polite (?) person I am, I didn’t say anything. ‘What’s up with you’ she asked, ‘Nothing’ I answered. But she just went on and on and on. It was then she started to get abusive and roped a total stranger into the conversation. An overweight man in his mid-30’s who basically told me to leave as he kept repeating ‘bye’. He didn’t seem impressed when I said ‘Why? Where are you going?’ - He was spoiling for a fight, I knew that.

Now, I’m no fighter by any stretch of the imagination but I will always stand up for myself and I knew that I could have ‘taken’ this prick. But I’m better than that and just said ‘Listen mate, I’m just having a quiet drink, leave me alone’ and he did, after another ill-judged remark. He went not long after. See - violence never solved anything!

Anyway, I sat down elsewhere and didn’t see either of them again, but it just proves that it isn’t necessarily alcohol that turns people into idiots – they are already like that!

Apart from that - it was a decent night out! I certainly took advantage of a 99p drinks offer in Chicago Rock (don’t judge me) and had to laugh at some bloke trying to act ‘black’ with a ‘toilet guy’, who was a Nigerian gentleman. ‘Yeah man’ and all that. This is Wigan - not The Bronx!

And with that - I shall leave you!

Cheers and don’t forget – don’t talk to any drunk and ignorant people!

Shower Time - With Marlon King

2009-10-29T12:04:00.000-07:00

Thanks a bunch Marlon King. No I’m not talking about the fact that his 1 goal (a penalty) in 15 games makes him the biggest waste of money Wigan has seen since the Grand Arcade was built. Nor is it for the fact he shares his first name with a prick off Emmerdale. It’s the fact that he’s made me to write about football again.

When I started this blog, I vowed to myself to not to keep banging on about football. It’s one of my favourite passions but I understand that most interweb users aren’t interested in the sport, let alone Wigan Athletic. Plus supporting Wigan Athletic is as frustrating as taking some Viagra which doesn’t work. Not that I have like.

Today Marlon ‘£38,000 a week, 1 goal (a penalty) in 15 games’ King was jailed for 18 months for sexually assaulting a 20-year woman and causing her actual bodily arm. In (simplified) Wiganese, this means ‘he touched her arse and gave her a slap’. It’s a jail sentence that this poor excuse for a man (and a footballer) deserved, he has brought shame on himself, his club but most of all - his wife and three children.

King, who was on loan to Hull at the time, was out celebrating scoring the winning goal against Middleborough (who he would join on loan the following month, after a fall-out with Hull) in a London nightclub, when he approached the young woman and assaulted her after a brief conversation. According to the woman this 'conversation' was basically about King bragging how he was a millionaire footballer and she told him to do one. He got angry and punched her, apparently knocking over two other people as well. A truly despicable crime.

The man is scum, there’s no doubt about that. This isn’t the first time King has done porridge either. He was jailed for handling a stolen car in 2002. He has been barred from playing for Jamaica after ‘incidents’ in training camps. He was also banned from driving, just a day before the assault and just a month before that - he had a fight with Hull team-mate Dean Windass in a casino!

Latics have started the process to sack King and I’m sure that the lawyers are ready at work trying to get King to pay up his contract to the club, so we will at least get a little bit of money back – it’s just a shame we can’t claim the £5 million transfer fee back! He’s an embarrassment to the club and I hope he enjoys shower time in prison. I hear inmates convicted of sexual assault are made ‘very welcome’ in there…

Well that’s enough from me, I don’t want to talk about this waste of talent (if he had any - we didn’t see it at Wigan) anymore.

Good luck in jail Marlon, you’ll need it!

(Ironic) Fascists, Strikes and Three Welcome Points!

2009-10-26T12:53:00.000-07:00

I’ve not been up to much last week, but it certainly was an interesting week to say the least! My beloved Wigan Athletic won at Burnley, putting in another great performance which resulted in a 3-1 win and a welcome 3 points. Latics now seem to be getting that little bit of consistency we desperately need. We’re at rock-bottom Portsmouth next week which is always a tough game. If we do manage to pull off another win and/or play well again, then Bob’s new team will finally show that they have finally settled in together.

It’s been really great to hear all the compliments that the team have been getting off pundits and other team’s supporters. The players seem genuinely pleased to be at the club and work really hard off the ball. It’s something which we haven’t seen for a while at Wigan Athletic and it’s really heartening to see that the players actually give a toss about the club, unlike some I could mention. Anyway, I’m hoping this great form can continue and with the next 5 games coming up, against teams expected to finish around us, it’s not beyond the realms of possibility that we can win them all.

I’m all for the current strike culture in this country - folk are expected to pay more tax, but without any pay increases whatsoever. The most notable strikers have been Royal Mail workers, who have been criticised by some right selfish and ignorant bastards. The Royal Mail have culled many jobs in the last few years meaning that workers in some places have to work even harder. Now, I don’t really give a toss if I get my post at 1pm, obviously it would be great to get it in the morning, but as long as I get it, I don’t care! Its these utter selfish bastards that piss me off, these people probably went to their local supermarket and bought five of everything, leaving some people with nothing, when the fuel strike was on. It really does sum up today’s world quite well. Here’s hoping that the postal workers get a pay rise, privatising the Royal Mail is NOT the answer - a stamp would cost about £2 for fucks sake! Privatising is all about making a profit, not for offering a good low-cost service for everyone. Can you imagine how many postal workers would be laid off if it does happen? The only growth industry left would be Jobcentre Plus!

The heat seems to have died down (a bit) on the ‘Nick Griffin vs. Question Time’ fiasco. The whole thing was an obvious set-up by the BBC to make Griffin look stupid - and they sort of succeeded. Although the only group to make themselves look like utter wankers were the ‘Unite Against Fascism’ lot, who ironically committed acts of fascism against Griffin by trying to stop him getting into the studio. Don’t forget these are the same people who attack others for attending a BNP meeting and then seem outraged when the BNP have a go back. Whatever shite Griffin and the BNP spout, they SHOULD be able to do it. We live in a free democratic country and the BNP are a legitimate political party. Committing acts of fascism against a fascist party is just idiotic. Just sit back, ignore them and they will eventually go away. Talking about them and taking almost-militant actions will only keep them in the public eye and gain them more supporters.

I’ve had enough of political bollocks for the moment. Here’s hoping for another good week and hopefully more silly people to laugh at (because they will deserve it!)

Music Club #3 - Live It Up In Monaco

2009-10-23T06:41:00.000-07:00

This time on Music Club, we’re going to be travelling all the way to Australia, via Hollywood, before ending up with some bloke from Salford who is playing bass in Monaco. Don’t worry - all these travel references will make sense!

Favourite Track - Mental As Anything – Live It Up

This song is one of the best things about Crocodile Dundee, a film which is sadly starting to show its age. Still the first one especially, is a million miles better than the shit Hollywood produces today and this song stands in a similar stable in the music world. Plus the name of the band is absolutely superb!

Surprise Track - Monaco – What Do You Want From Me?

Now the surprise element of this song (for me, anyway) comes from the fact that this band is a side project of Joy Division/New Order bassist Peter Hook. It's a song that was released in 1997 and I vaguely remember listening to it at the time. It’s been described as ‘the best New Order song that New Order never did’ and I must agree. I’m embarrassed to write that I didn’t know anything about Monaco before this. That’s Hook’s band, not the principality near the south of France!

The Sun Isn't So Comic

2009-10-22T05:24:00.000-07:00

I’ve never been a huge comics fan. True, when I was a kid my dad did buy me the odd Beano/Dandy and I’m even pictured in my first class photo wearing a ‘Desperate Dan’ jumper! If you can track down a copy of Wigan Observer circa 1990, then you can see it!

Despite not being ‘into’ comics, I still liked to read them every time I picked up my Dad’s paper (after having a sneaky peak at Page 3, naturally). Its only now, in my adult life that I’m starting to appreciate comics properly. This may have to do with the fact that I’m getting into Doctor Who fandom, which has produced literally thousands of comic strips.

Nowadays you can pick up collections of some comic strips in books, or graphic novels. Anyone who says that graphic novels aren’t comics, are wrong and just plain ignorant! I can’t decide whether or not this is a good think for the future of comics, especially in newspapers, where they originated.

One of favourite strips appeared in The Sun newspaper. Sadly they have recently ended their 24-year relationship with ‘Striker’, a comic strip about fictional football team, Warbury Warriors. The strip is more of an ‘adult’ version of things like ‘Roy of the Rovers’. For years I enjoyed reading it and followed it every time The Sun was sat on our coffee table. In latter years, Latics have even featured in it and it was always a great read, despite Wigan only beating Warbury once!

This happened previously in 2003 when Striker creator Pete Nash failed to agree terms on a new deal and instead set up his own Striker comic, which lasted 64 issues. The Sun replaced the strip with ‘The Premier’, a pale imitation of Striker. Striker eventually returned to The Sun in 2005, after Nash ended the Striker comic.

Now the paper have decided to part ways with Striker, before Nash could complete the current storyline, instead the paper have replaced the much-loved strip with ‘funny pictures from the internet’. Cheap solution for a paper who have already alienated most of their readers in the last month, thanks to their political stance. I know that this paper won’t be held in the same regard by me ever again, (if I ever buy it again)

Despite the decline of comics in newspapers, its potential executioner, the interweb, as probably breathed life back into the genre. True, sales of comics could be better but online comics have been greedily read by a new generation of eyeballs. It also provides a market for printed comics, be it rare or brand new. Another aspect is that it allows people, professional or amateur, to promote and improve their own work - which would have been really difficult 50 years ago! For me, nothing will ever beat a ‘hard copy’, be it a book, a magazine etc. But it’s good to know that this art form has made the transition and is still going on strong.

Pete Nash has uploaded a couple of complete classic Striker comic strips, which you can view here.

Latics Beat The Warriors!

Part One (Click here to view in full)

Part Two (Click here to view in full)

Cheers to Les Bagg from the Mudhuts forum for posting them.

Striker website

Boring Days, Good Offers and Newspaper Bollocks

2009-10-18T14:18:00.000-07:00

Last week was rather a slow week for me. Very boring and not much to do, but thankfully I’ve got a few things coming up, so look out for reports.

As I write this I’ve just watched Latics earn a well-earned point against big-spending Manchester City. A really good performance and if truth be told – we should have claimed all 3 points. Bob Martinez has got us playing really well and I’ve been impressed with our midfield. Once we can get everyone settled and a bit of sharpness upfront, we’ll be a force to be reckoned with for sure!

In the meantime, the club have finally done something worthy of praise – 3 games for £30! Fans can pick up tickets for the home games against Fulham (8/11), Sunderland (28/11) and Birmingham (5/12) for just £30. That’s a tenner a match to watch Premiership football and it's great value of money. I would encourage you to snap up tickets now, hopefully this will help our fanbase grow, to help cheer the lads on even more!

I’ve criticised the club in the past for the way they promote the club, but I can’t fault them this season. However, they need to get this offer out in the local press to try and promote this as widely as possible. As supporters (not fans!) we have a part to play too – season ticket holders can take a mate to these games for just a £1 as well!

In other footballing news, thanks to the Liverpool fan who did the impossible and made his club even more of a laughing stock! A 1-0 defeat to Sunderland was helped by a beach ball-deflected goal. An unbelievable goal (that you can watch below) but it does make me wonder why Liverpool goalkeeper didn’t kick the ball away. Next time, DON’T GO FOR THE BIG RED BALL, THAT IS NOT THE FOOTBALL!

I’ve got no real comment (well, not much!) about the death of Stephen Gately, a sad event that has been jumped on by anyone and everyone. Every gay personality has come out (sorry, couldn’t resist) and condemned Jan Moir’s comments in the Daily Mail. It might have been bang out of order but once again something which should have deserved a stern letter or a comment on the website has been turned into a needless witch-hunt. The questions she asked about his death was what most people were all thinking anyway, she was just thick enough to write them in a national newspaper. A sad state of affairs all round, RIP Stephen.

So with another boring week beckoning, I shall speak to you soon!

Beach Ball Goal

Monks + Drunks + Mud = Youth Football

2009-10-15T15:44:00.000-07:00

Due to some ‘creativity issues’ (in other words: ‘can’t be arsed’) here is another article from my personal archives - an account of my career in youth football!

If anyone doesn’t know me or is new to this blog, then you’ll know my favourite pastime is football. It’s my favourite subject, apart from computers, Doctor Who and drinking real ale, or any ale!

As a youngster I played football on Saturday mornings at Wigan Juniors. The old Robin Park was followed by Pemberton High School then the ‘big pitches’ at Little Lane (our ‘home ground’) and various venues across the borough. They were great times, just a few kids having a load of ‘fun’ pissing about in inches of mud and water. How I miss it!

I have played at some bizarre places. A school for monks (St. Joseph’s in Up Holland, I believe) was probably the strangest. We had to get changed in a barn-like changing room and had to keep quiet as it would disturb the monks! We ended up winning that game as well! The whole area in and around Leigh is considered bizarre anyway but I have never played in so much mud in my life! I forget who we played but the field belonged to a local school and after getting changed in the lovely warm surroundings of the P.E changing rooms, we were met with a pitch that wouldn’t allow the ball to roll 2 yards! There was more water on the pitch than in Wigan Baths! How the game went ahead I don’t know!

Another game with terrible conditions was one in Ashton (I think!), you had to walk round a moat to get there and it must have been -1 and not a centigrade higher! I think we won that game too! One of the best venues I always liked playing, was at Captain’s Lane. They had a decent ground but one of the lad’s parents owned the pub across the road, so they where always generous with their hospitality and laid on a buffet after a match!

Perhaps the best ground I’ve played at is Blackpool’s Bloomfield Road, just before they ruined it by knocking down all four stands and just building two new ones! Although the pitch was cut nicely, it was very bumpy and the changing rooms where awful. We still won though 1-0 and celebrated with a day out in Blackpool!

But perhaps my favourite moment was the trip to Belgium. In a town, just outside Antwerp, we played in the ‘Friendship Cup’, against teams from Belgium, Holland and Dudley! I think we finished 4th in our age group overall, only losing two games. We were really only outclassed in one match – only because half the team was pissed from the night before! So don’t take any 14 year-olds to Belgium – they’ll serve anybody! I ended up scoring in one of matches, not against a foreign team but against lads from Birmingham! Brilliant eh? They where sound lads though and we had a nice chat on the ferry back. At least I can say I've (technically) played for England!

I’ve been part of some great games also. Once we were 4-0 down at half-time, to a team that my school mate was in. I came on at half-time and we ending up winning 5-4! Not that I had anything to do with it of course but I did shore up that defence! That was a great moment, the parents seemed more delighted than the lads! Another one is where we played a team that hadn’t been beaten in 4 years. They were a little bit arrogant, were Hindsford but we beat them 1-0 at the Stadio de Little Lane and guess who shored up the midfield? Yours truly!

Not that I was brilliant or anything. I could pull ‘something spectacular out of hat’ at times but I did all the Michael Brown-ish ‘donkey work’ across the midfield, sometimes at the back. I was disappointed to stop when I did, I was just starting to get the hang of the game and looked good but my dad couldn’t take me to the football anymore, so that was that!

Another aspect I used to love was the 5-a-side tournaments. Wigan Juniors always used to host one, every year on St. Marks school field, which just happened to be my school. It was great! Always exciting, even though we won nothing! It was more like a festival than anything else! Tents everywhere, selling clothes, food, football stuff and even had the odd team snuggled inside, when it rained! I did play in a few more 5/6-a-side tournaments in other places, even getting to a quarter final in one but never any further. The most success I’ve been part of was being an unused sub for a defeat in a cup final!

In fact the only thing I’ve won in football is a Boys Brigade 5-a-side tournament, when I was in the twilight of my career – at 16! But considering I was probably the oldest player there, playing against teams who had players ranging from 11-15, it’s hardly a great achievement!

Thanks to my eye-condition and the tendency to get drunk, I’m more of a ‘shouty bloke in the stands’, nowadays! If any women would be thick enough to have kids with yours truly, I would definitely try to get them into football at an early age (even if it’s a girl!). There’s nothing better, when you’re a kid, sliding in yards of mud and kicking your opponent for no reason at all - and your Mum bollocking you for not tying your bootlaces! Seeing grown men and women on the sidelines, screaming their heads off at the referee, because they want their kids to succeed because they never did. Like I would do that!

I think Wigan Juniors still exists, although with very low numbers at the new Robin Park. It’s a shame because it was great fun and in this day and age, kids need all the exercise they can get! A Nintendo Wii can’t re-create that kind of excitement!

A Proper Pub

2009-10-13T06:21:00.000-07:00

What makes a 'proper pub'?

A pint for the men
…a glass of wine or half glasses for the ladies

A fine selection of Real Ales
...and only three Lagers on tap

No WKD’s, Smirnoff’s or Reef’s
…just psychedelic mild that gives you a far better high than any drug can

A busty barmaid
…who is old enough to be your mam

Everybody is friendly and always up for a chat
…even if you gave them a slap five minutes earlier

Chats about life, politics and pets
...from the comfort of a barstool, as you prop up the bar

Owd blokes who have their own stool at the bar
…and their own tankards hanged up

The only food that's served are pies, crisps and pork scratchings
…which are always out of date

The stench of sweat, flat ale and tobacco get up your nose
…despite there being a smoking ban

Toilets that tell you that they are for ‘Ladies’ and ‘Gentleman’
…and smelling like someone’s done ‘their business’ in a bucket and left it there to rot

Betting slips lie crumbled and torn
…as nobody ever wins

No tracksuits, baseball caps or scruffy bastards
…everyone has their own style

A resident pub dog that always jumps on you and licks your face
…a resident pub dog, albeit a female humanoid, that always jumps on you and licks your face

Anyone under 18 isn’t checked for ID
…but asked if they’re old enough anyway

An old couple in the corner, drinking havles of brown ale and talking about the past
…a young couple, drinking bitter and wine and talking about the future

No telly’s showing sport, reality TV or gameshows
…just the chatter of good friends about sport, life and how bingo is fixed

Karaoke on a Friday neet
…that lasts five minutes before everyone gets sick of it and starts throwing glasses

An old dusty piano that sits in the corner
…that nobody can play

Christmas decorations that litter the ceiling
...in July

No need for quiz and jukebox machines
..as a game of cards, dominoes (never for money) and a good old drunken sing-song will suffice

No trouble, fights or crossed words
…just take it outside

For this is a pub, a proper pub.

Shame their all dying.

Barry Letts 1925-2009

2009-10-11T08:27:00.000-07:00

Legendary Doctor Who producer/director/writer/actor Barry Letts sadly passed away before the weekend. He is perhaps best known for his work during the Jon Pertwee era but he was also responsible for the casting of Tom Baker and Elisabeth Sladen, with their characters of The (4th) Doctor and Sarah-Jane Smith being perhaps the most loved by fans. It's says it all when a third series of The Sarah Jane Adventures is set to be broadcast this Thursday, 36 years after the creation of the character by Barry Letts.

Barry started working on Doctor Who during Patrick Troughton's 1968 story 'The Enemy of the World' before accepting the role of producer in 1969, to produce Jon Pertwee's first series which was due to air the following year. It would be the first Doctor Who series to filmed in colour and Barry even experimented with new effects including CSO (colour-separation overlay - 'blue screen' to you and me!) which may now look 'bad' but during the time was pretty state-of-the-art and very rarely used. It made Doctor Who ‘cutting-edge’ and scary, without the timing of the experimentation of effects like CSO it’s hard to think whether or not CGI would as developed or be so widely used by the BBC today.

Barry co-wrote 'The Daemons' and also contributed to many other scripts, always uncreditied. He directed classic stories such as 'Terror of the Autons', most of 'Inferno' and 'Planet of the Spiders'. He even returned as an executive producer to help John Nathan Turner in his first series, which also happened to be Tom Baker's last.

Those that met Barry always had nothing but good things to say about him and he was a great ambassador for Doctor Who, even turning up at signings and conventions when he wasn't well and offering his insight and answering questions which he had heard thousands of times before. Before his death, he had recorded a number of DVD commentaries which are ‘still in the can’, so it should be interesting for fans to listen to his insights one last time. He has also written a number of books in the Target, BBC and Virgin ranges.

It’s important to remember the contributions of people like Barry, even if you have never seen the classic series or don't even know who these people are. I think as fans we should as without it there would be no new series for us to enjoy.

In the meantime, I’m going to be watching 'Planet of the Spiders' - Jon Pertwee's final story, in memory of the great work done by Barry.

Music Club #2 - If I Was Behind A Green Door

2009-10-08T04:33:00.000-07:00

Its back to the 80’s for this edition of Music Club, which is no real surprise as most of my musical tastes come from the decade that fashion forgot!

Favourite Track – Midge Ure – If I Was

I was tempted to put this in ‘Surprise Track’ as after first hearing this song on one of my parents’ 80’s compilation tapes, I never linked it to the bloke who sang ‘Vienna’ and seemed to Bob Geldof’s lapdog. We now know that Midge has more musical talent in his little finger than Bob Geldof has ever had! Be warned though - the video is a bit strange!

Surprise Track – Shakin’ Stevens – Green Door

One of the best things about watching the TV Series ‘Ashes To Ashes’ (and its predecessor – Life on Mars) is the music. This song is just one of many that featured and is one of those songs that ‘you know but don’t know who sings it’, well it is for me at least! Now as a kid (thanks to a book containing snippets from various football fanzines) I thought that Shakin' Stevens was a footballer who lined up in a comic strip alongside ‘Billy the Fish’. Now I know that’s just bollocks! Enjoy!

Logos and Lawsuits

2009-10-06T02:32:00.000-07:00

I somehow can’t imagine Wigan’s most famous (?) multi-millionaire, getting up and 8am and logging onto the BBC Doctor Who website to find out what the new logo is going to look like. Well it’s a good job he didn’t, as I don’t think the word ‘lawsuit’ would be too far away from his somewhat-strange mind!

I’m only joking of course, but ever since Dave Whelan named the stadium after his ‘DW Sports Fitness’ company (not himself, honest!), I’ve had great fun in pretending that the DW Stadium, just a five minute stroll from my house, is somewhat involved with my favourite television program. Obviously it isn’t but I would love for the stadium to be a TARDIS so we can chuck the muppets we have as fans out into the vortex!

Yes, the ‘Roberto Martinez OUT!’ campaign has reared its ugly head again after Saturday’s 2-1 defeat at Hull. 8 games gone, 9 points on the board and we’re in 12th place – yeah we’re really struggling aren’t we? To be fair the performance against Hull wasn’t the best but that’s down to the players, not the manager. These players are just starting to get to know each other and it takes a while to make things gel. I’m sick of repeating myself, so I’ll ask these dickheads – would you rather be in Portsmouth’s (who have only won one game this season and couldn’t afford to pay their players last week) position?

Enough of wasting my quite frankly, shite, typing ability on the utter stains we have as fans! Let’s just say that I think that the new Doctor Who logo is pretty good!

I’m off for an eye check-up in Manchester later, I really do hope it gets done quick so I can go to the pub!

Cheers

P.S Can I just point out that a football club should have SUPPORTERS, not fans!

P.P.S Only a small minority of Wigan Athletic supporters are muppets and mostly interweb-based.

(Right that should be enough to avoid a lawsuit myself! Thank god I don't live in the US - i'll be in jail for slander!)

Old Buses, Vans and Milk Floats: St Helens Beer Festival Review

2009-10-04T15:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I haven’t been out for a while and after getting home at 5.30am on Sunday morning, I don’t think I’ll be going out for a while again!

Along with a a couple of friends , I attended the St Helens Beer Festival which was held at The North West Museum of Road Transport. Now I’ve only been to beer festivals that have been held in halls, so it was quite interesting to drink in an environment where you were surrounded by old buses, vans and milk floats!

To be honest, there was probably more vehicles there than people, as this was the last night of the festival and a big rugby match between St Helens and Wigan was going on. Going on the final day is something that I always seem to do at beer festivals, I can’t help it, as Saturdays are the only day that people can actually come out! Maybe they should think about starting on Friday and finishing on Sunday for future events?

There wasn’t much beer left, but I enjoyed what was left anyway. Lots of bitters and stouts were drunk and I surprised myself by not ‘sampling’ the cider which normally happens towards the end of a festival! My friend did though and after her description of about how one ‘tasted like cat wee’, I had to agree as it was the most watery cider I had ever tasted! And no, I’ve never tasted cat wee before some smart arse asks!

Tipsy attempts to try and chat up one of the beer girls got me a free drink, although I think by this point they were giving the beer away to get rid of it. No, I think she liked me, obviously!

After leaving the festival, I went to ‘The Counting House’ to have a pint to whittle down the time, as I waited for the last train home. Once back in Wigan, I can’t really remember what happened but know I had a decent time and a kebab shop owner gave me one of the biggest chicken legs I have ever seen! I must stop buying food after a night out, apart from being bloody expensive it can’t be too healthy!

So all-in-all a decent night out, I think the St Helens festival is worth another try next year. It was a lot smaller than the one in Wigan but this was only the 2nd one they’ve had and its understandable, seeing how Wigan as had 23 years worth of establishing their event!

So it’s the Wigan Beer Festival in March, where I will NOT go on the last night again seeing as last year they ran out of beer before I even got there!

Cheers!